Is Your Relationships Emotionally Safe?

“Whatever,” “Fine,” “OK,” “Nothing”—these are just a few of the comments that people make when they are indifferent to some aspect of the relationship. Continued indifference is usually followed by apathy, then total withdrawal and then finally emotional as well as physical separation. All of these can have a devastating affect on communication, trust, respect, and even whether you like your partner.

If it is easier to hide your true feelings or beliefs than argue about them, you may have an un-safe relationship. What do I mean by a safe relationship? It is one without:

- judgments
- invalidation (see glossary)
- personal agendas
- retribution
- negatively delivered criticism
- blame
- psychological games

It takes time for people to realize that their relationship is not safe. If you have an un-safe relationship, you do not need to shed all of your opinions, beliefs, and values. However, if your partner feels as though it is necessary to tiptoe through the relationship, the relationship probably lacks true honesty and communication about feelings, fears, desires, or needs. I will also bet there are a lot of negative, non-verbal signals between both of you.

Everyone experiences fragile stages in their relationships from time to time. If, when your partner is experiencing one of these states, you choose to criticize them, I guarantee that they will defend themselves by either withdrawing or attacking. Both responses can lead to increased relationship stress and more hidden agendas.

A hidden agenda is when your partner wants to say something but doesn’t because they doesn’t want to hurt your feelings or just want to avoid conflict. Either way, communication suffers.

I have experienced indifferent feelings while in a relationship, and my partners have done the same with me. I can tell you that if these feelings of indifference are not dealt with, they will destroy the relationship. I did not say these feelings will END the relationship. Many destroyed relationships may actually last months or even years before their formal ending. How could a relationship be failing, when both people are acting as if it were fine? There are too many reasons to list, but it is generally for one of the following reasons:

1. Fear of the unknown: “I know what I have if I stay. If I leave, who knows what could happen in my life?”

2. Lost hope: “I guess this is the best I can do. No sense in trying again or starting over.”

3. Settling: “I’ll never get what I want in a partner.”

There are three choices everyone in a relationship can make:

1. Change your partner or his behavior.
2. Accept your partner and his behavior.
3. Leave the relationship.

You may be in between these three: You can’t change something, but won’t accept it; or you can’t accept something, but won’t leave. If you suffer from one of these variations, I guarantee you are putting yourself under a great deal of stress, and this stress just makes everything worse.