Why Are Some Relationships So Difficult?

Ever heard about how it's hard for someone to love you when you don't love yourself? It's a big relationship roadblock when one or both people struggle with self-esteem problems. Your girlfriend or boyfriend isn't there to make you feel good about yourself if you can't do that on your own. Focus on being happy with yourself, and don't take on the responsibility of worrying about someone else's happiness.

What if you feel that your girlfriend or boyfriend needs too much
from you? If the relationship feels like a burden or a drag instead of a joy, it might be time to think about whether it's a healthy match for you. Someone who's not happy or secure may have trouble being a healthy relationship partner.

Also, intense relationships can be hard for some teenagers. Some are so focused on their own developing feelings and responsibilities that they don't have the emotional energy it takes to respond to someone else's feelings and needs in a close relationship. Don't worry if you're just not ready yet. You will be, and you can take all the time you need.

Ever notice that some teen relationships don't last very long? It's no wonder — you're still growing and changing every day, and it can be tough to put two people together whose identities are both still in the process of forming. You two might seem perfect for each other at first, but that can change. If you try to hold on to the relationship anyway, there's a good chance it will turn sour. Better to part as friends than to stay in something that you've outgrown or that no longer feels right for one or both of you. And before you go looking for amour from that hottie from French class, respect your current beau by breaking things off before you make your move.

Relationships can be one of the best — and most challenging — parts of your world. They can be full of fun, romance, excitement, intense feelings, and occasional heartache, too. Whether you're single or in a relationship, remember that it's good to be choosy about who you get close to. If you're still waiting, take your time and get to know plenty of people.

Think about the qualities you value in a friendship and see how they match up with the ingredients of a healthy relationship. Work on developing those good qualities in yourself — they make you a lot more attractive to others. And if you're already part of a pair, make sure the relationship you're in brings out the best in both of you.

Read More......

What's an Unhealthy Relationship?

A relationship is unhealthy when it involves mean, disrespectful, controlling, or abusive behavior. Some people live in homes with parents who fight a lot or abuse each other — emotionally, verbally, or physically. For some people who have grown up around this kind of behavior it can almost seem normal or OK. It's not! Many of us learn from watching and imitating the people close to us. So someone who has lived around violent or disrespectful behavior may not have learned how to treat others with kindness and respect or how to expect the same treatment.

Qualities like kindness and respect are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship. Someone who doesn't yet have this part down may need to work on it with a trained therapist before he or she is ready for a relationship. Meanwhile, even though you might feel bad or feel for someone who's been mistreated, you need to take care of yourself — it's not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior of any kind.

Warning Signs

When a boyfriend or girlfriend uses verbal insults, mean language, nasty putdowns, gets physical by hitting or slapping, or forces someone into sexual activity, it's an important warning sign of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.

Ask yourself, does my boyfriend or girlfriend:

• get angry when I don't drop everything for him or her?
• criticize the way I look or dress, and say I'll never be able to find anyone else who would date me?
• keep me from seeing friends or from talking to any other guys or girls?
• want me to quit an activity, even though I love it?
• ever raise a hand when angry, like he or she is about to hit me?
• try to force me to go further sexually than I want to?

These aren't the only questions you can ask yourself. If you can think of any way in which your boyfriend or girlfriend is trying to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, isolate you from the rest of your world, or — this is a big one — harm you physically or sexually, then it's time to get out, fast. Let a trusted friend or family member know what's going on and make sure you're safe.

It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence, possessiveness, or anger as an expression of love. But even if you know that the person hurting you loves you, it is not healthy. No one deserves to be hit, shoved, or forced into anything he or she doesn't want to do.

Read More......

What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

Hopefully, you and your significant other are treating each other well. Not sure if that's the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of being swept off your feet and think about whether your relationship has these qualities:

• Mutual respect. Does he or she get how cool you are and why? (Watch out if the answer to the first part is yes but only because you're acting like someone you're not!) The key is that your BF or GF is into you for who you are — for your great sense of humor, your love of reality TV, etc. Does your partner listen when you say you're not comfortable doing something and then back off right away? Respect in a relationship means that each person values who the other is and understands — and would never challenge — the other person's boundaries.
• Trust. You're talking with a guy from French class and your boyfriend walks by. Does he completely lose his cool or keep walking because he knows you'd never cheat on him? It's OK to get a little jealous sometimes — jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when feeling jealous is what matters.
  There's no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.
• Honesty. This one goes hand-in-hand with trust because it's tough to trust someone when one of you isn't being honest. Have you ever caught your girlfriend in a major lie? Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends? The next time she says she has to work, you'll have a lot more trouble believing her and the trust will be on shaky ground.
• Support. It's not just in bad times that your partner should support you. Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart but can't take being there when things are going right (and vice versa). In a healthy relationship, your significant other is there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to celebrate with you when you get the lead in a play.
• Fairness/equality. You need to have give-and-take in your relationship, too. Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with your partner's friends as often as you hang out with yours? It's not like you have to keep a running count and make sure things are exactly even, of course. But you'll know if it isn't a pretty fair balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.
• Separate identities. In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn't mean you should feel like you're losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that shouldn't change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don't, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.
• Good communication. You've probably heard lots of stuff about how men and women don't seem to speak the same language. We all know how many different meanings the little phrase "no, nothing's wrong" can have, depending on who's saying it! But what's important is to ask if you're not sure what he or she means, and speak honestly and openly so that the miscommunication is avoided in the first place. Never keep a feeling bottled up because you're afraid it's not what your BF or GF wants to hear or because you worry about sounding silly. And if you need some time to think something through before you're ready to talk about it, the right person will give you some space to do that if you ask for it.

Read More......

Love, Life and Christian Marriage

by Paul Likoudis

In early June, Eternal Life of Bardstown, Ky., released
a 12-tape, comprehensive exposition,  Morality>, by Fr. John A. Hardon, S.J. Recorded live
before a group of  Catholic couples, the series
provides a thorough instruction on Church teaching on
love,  marriage, and the family.

Since their initial release, the tapes have received
high praise from both college and high school  teachers
who have used them in their classes, and from priests
who have utilized them in parish  family life programs.
The presentation is both candid and compassionate,
while unwaveringly  faithful to the magisterial
teaching of the Church.

While Fr. Hardon is addressing married couples in these
lectures, and discussing some intimate  matters
pertaining to difficulties spouses have, the
instruction is both sensitive and prudent, and 
suitable for adolescents—as well as for single people
of whatever age or state of life.

During Fr. Hardon's recent visit to Louisville, Ky.,
for the Church Teaches Forum, 
interviewed him to discuss the reason he produced these
tapes, as well as to ask his  views on various
difficulties and challenges that Catholic spouses face
in their married life as they  try to raise children
and remain faithful to the Church and to each other in
a neopagan culture.

The tapes, packaged in an attractive album, are
available from Eternal Life (P.O. Box 787, Bardstown,
KY  40004-0787) for $38.00 postpaid. Phone orders, with
billing to American Express, VISA, or MasterCard,  can
be placed by calling 1-800-842-2871.

Eternal Life has just published a new catalog with a
complete list of its booklets and pamphlets, books and 
tapes, which  readers are invited to
request:"

Also, Eternal Life has published two new question-and-
answer catechisms written by Fr. Hardon, a  on the Splendor of Truth> and a Gospel of Life>. Fr. Hardon  answers the common
questions Christians raise on pro-life and conscience
matters, with responses indexed  to the two recent
encyclicals written by Pope John Paul II.

 + + +

Q. You say in your tapes that the modern world and
modern people are obsessed with sex, and yet you  also
say that the sex drive is man's strongest drive and has
been from the beginning. What's  different or new about
contemporary attitudes about sex?

A. As the modern world understands sex, it does not
look at it as a moral issue. The sex  experience is
something people have a "right" to, according to their
own norms, and each  person's conscience is his own
guide to sexual pleasure. There is no objective moral
norm by  which people are bound. That's new.

Q. What are the consequences?

A. They are disastrous. For the individual, once sex is
looked upon as amoral, then any sex  experience may be
had—enjoyed—either by oneself, or with others, with
impunity.

The effect on the individual is to demoralize the
individual conscience. Once that occurs, then  there is
no other satisfaction that a person may want or desire
that he will not seek and try to  fulfill, short of the
civil authority which might try to inhibit him.

For those of the faith, the Sixth Commandment is the
key. Once the Sixth Commandment goes, so go all the 
others, including the Fifth, which is the lesson of our
times.

Without chastity, no human life is safe, either one's
own or another person's. In other words, there would be 
no abortion in the world today except for sex
indulgence. If sex is not moral, then human life is not
safe.  This runs much deeper than meets the eye.

The purpose of sexual pleasure is to inspire the
procreation of human life, the preservation of human
life,  and the support of human life. Once sexual
pleasure becomes independent of objective moral
standards,  then human life is not even assured of
coming into being.

Q. Can you explain more fully the link between the
Sixth and Fifth Commandments?

A. Let me tell how I became convinced of this link.
When I was a student in Rome, I had a language 
professor, a Jesuit priest, who was a prisoner in
Dachau for four and one-half years. He only survived
for so  long because he was a very skilled linguist,
and the Nazis used him. His main job was moving bodies
from  the gas chambers to the furnace.

This professor told us that on many nights, the
prisoners were so starved that they were unable to
sleep, and  so they would talk all night long. One of
the subjects they probed was what made the Nazis so
cruel.  For months, he said, they discussed what could
possibly make one human being SQ cruel to  another, and
finally they found the answer: Every single one of the
guards was a sex pervert;  there were no exceptions.

The relationship between chastity — whose foundation
is charity — and justice toward others, is  a
relationship of cause and effect. Every sexually
perverse society becomes a society of murderers.  There
is no doubt about it.

Q. What motivated you to produce these tapes? What is
their purpose?

A. There are three reasons. First, the preservation of
human life. Without the restoration of  chastity, our
nation will never stop the crime of abortion.

Second, we must alert all Christians, especially
Catholics, that it is only the practice of chastity 
which can preserve innocent human life. If we do not
restore chastity in this country, America  will destroy
itself.

Third, to bring out the fact that chastity begins in
the mind. Therefore, all talk about chastity is  just
so much verbiage unless we master our thoughts.

I have formulated what I call "The Iron Law of Human
Destiny." Sense leads to thought, that is: There can 
be no thought without sense experience. Thought leads
to desire; we desire with the will, and the mind tells 
us what to desire. Desire leads to action; every action
becomes a habit if we repeat it. Habit forms 
character, and character forms destiny. Therefore, I
must control what I see, touch, and feel.

This explains why the modern media's bombardment of the
senses is so pernicious; it leads us to the wrong 
thoughts, desires, actions, and habits.

Q. How would you sum up the message of these tapes?

A. Chastity requires the practice of charity, and the
practice of charity produces happiness. Everyone wants 
to be happy, but people are not being told today that
if you want to be happy, you have to "pay the price." 
Catholics are not being taught the truth about chastity
and charity, but rather are being taught untruth, even 
under Catholic auspices and in so-called Catholic
books, magazines, and newspapers.

Q. In counseling Catholic couples, what do you find are
the major problems Catholic spouses are  encountering?

A. The major problem is that Catholic couples who
really do want to keep their faith and live according
to  the precepts of the Church are not getting any
support. They are very alone.

Second, many Catholics do not realize how deep is the
ravage in our society. I would say that many  Catholics
are practical atheists, and they do not see the
Godlessness of modern society.

Third, most Catholics, even those who love the faith
and try to live it, do not realize that just to 
survive, couples must have access to extraordinary
grace through a life of prayer such as  Catholics have
not been required to practice since the Church was
founded. Catholic couples  must try to get to Mass and
Communion every day.

Fourth, our entire society in which strongly believing
Catholics are living is not just an alien culture, it
is positively hostile. Therefore, the courage required
to live according to the Gospel is  heroic, but courage
and the will are only as strong as the conviction of
the mind.

Q. You stress over and over again how important it is
for Catholics to have a "Catholic mentality." Isn't
that nearly an impossible task for most people because
of the bombardment of the  senses with anti-Catholic
messages?

A. Until Christ came into the world, there was no
chastity. In the Roman Empire, contraception  was
universal, abortion and infanticide were legal, divorce
was a given, polygamy was practiced  by pagans and
Jews. Since Christ, it is possible.

Consequently, if we are to restore a Catholic
mentality, and establish any semblance of chastity 
before marriage, during marriage, and outside of
marriage, we have to know and love Christ's  teaching
live it, and share it with others.

Q. In some of the lectures, you are surprisingly candid
about the mutual duties of husbands and  wives. Why?

A. Because there is a lot for spouses to learn. Over
the years, I've seen once-happy marriages  break down,
especially as couples get older. Either both grow in
selfless love, or their marriage is  in deep trouble.

The husband is an occasion for his wife to practice
charity toward him, and on the other hand, he  is often
an occasion for her to become angry, impatient, and
discouraged because he can put  pressure on her virtue.

The same applies to the wife. She can be very selfless,
but she can also put great pressure on his  patience.

Humanly speaking, it is impossible for Catholic spouses
to remain faithful to each other unless  there is
grace, which comes from prayer and sacrifice.

Q. What are the major problems you see among Catholic
spouses who have been married for  some time?

A. The greatest difficulty, for husbands, is remaining
chaste after the wife has children, and she's  no
longer interested in having relations—in "lowbrow
sex," as if sex were something bad.

Q. What do you advise?

A. Both need help. The husband must be patient with his
wife who is not providing him with the  affection he is
used to. He's thinking, "This is why I married her." He
has to realize he is in  competition with her for the
affection she is giving to the children.

The hard part for the husband is that he must show
extraordinary love for his wife, and extra love  means
he must be willing to pay for his love. True love is
willing to suffer for the one it loves.  True love is
willing to suffer from the one it loves.

The wife, whose deepest desire as a woman is to love,
to give herself, must learn to give and give and give. 
Even before marriage, a girl must learn to see herself
as a giver and a giver—so she is prepared to give 
herself to her husband.

The deepest need of a woman is to love, and the deepest
need of a man is to be loved. There is no substitute 
for man on this earth than to experience selfless love
toward him. A woman must know how to encourage  and
support her husband, to help him over discouragement,
worry, and anxiety.

Catholic spouses need to rediscover the practice of
selfless charity, and to do this we need to recover our 
Christian mentality. That is the purpose of these
lectures.

Read More......

Divorce

Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the ending of a marriage before the death of either spouse.

In cases involving children, governments have a clear interest in ensuring that disputes between parents do not spill over into the family courts. One way of doing this is through the encouragement of a parenting plan. Every state now requires parents to file a parenting plan when they legally separate or divorce.

Divorce can be contrasted with an annulment, which is a declaration that a marriage is void, though the effects of marriage may be recognized in such unions, such as spousal support or alimony, child custody, child support, and distribution of property.

Divorce laws vary considerably around the world. It is banned in Malta and in the Philippines, but an annulment is permitted.

In some jurisdictions, a divorce must be certified by a court of law, as a legal action is needed to dissolve the prior legal act of marriage. The terms of the divorce are also determined by the court, though they may take into account prenuptial agreements or postnuptial agreements, or simply ratify terms that the spouses have agreed on privately. Often, however, the spouses disagree about the terms of the divorce, which can lead to stressful and expensive litigation. Less adversarial approaches to divorce settlements have recently emerged, such as mediation and collaborative divorce, which negotiate mutually acceptable resolution to conflicts. In some other countries, like Portugal, when the spouses agree to divorce and to the terms of the divorce, it can be certified by a non judiciary administrative entity, where also can be served an Electronic Divorce since March 2008.

The subject of divorce as a social phenomenon is an important research topic in sociology. In many developed countries, divorce rates increased markedly during the twentieth century. Among the nations in which divorce has become commonplace are the United States, Canada, and members of the European Union. Japan retains a markedly lower divorce rate, though it has increased in recent years.

Types of Divorce

The approach to divorce varies by jurisdiction. There are two basic approaches to divorce: fault based and no-fault based.

Fault divorce can affect the distribution of property, and will allow an immediate divorce, in states where there is a waiting period required for no-fault divorce.

Residency requirements vary from state to state, and a couple may separate, one spouse may move to a state with divorce laws of their choice, establish residency, and then apply for divorce. However, this typically does not change the state in which property and other issues are decided.

No fault divorce

Under a no-fault divorce system the dissolution of a marriage does not require an allegation or proof of fault of either party to be shown. No-fault divorce has been in operation in Australia since 1975 and the only thing the applicant needs to show is separation (or "deemed separation") for 12 months, and the divorce application can be made by either party or by both parties jointly.

Forty-nine states of the United States have adopted unilateral no-fault divorce laws. Common reasons for no-fault divorce include incompatibility, irreconcilable differences, and irremediable breakdown of the marriage. No-fault divorce can be a unilateral divorce action forced upon the non-initiating spouse by the initiator with the support of the court system. The non-initiating spouse may be divorced against his or her will, though "not at fault".

In England a to obtain a no fault divorce the time scales are 2 years if both parties agree and 5 years if one party does not agree.

At-fault divorce

Fault divorces used to be the only way to break a marriage, and people who had differences, but did not qualify as "at fault", only had the option to separate (and were prevented from legally remarrying).

In the United States, New York is the only state that still requires fault for a divorce.

However there are ways (defenses) to prevent a fault divorce:

• Condonation
• Connivance
• Provocation
• Collusion

A defense is expensive, and not usually practical as eventually most divorces are granted.

Comparative rectitude is a doctrine used to determine which spouse is more at fault when both spouses are guilty of breaches.

Summary divorce

A summary (or simple) divorce, available in some jurisdictions, is used when spouses meet certain eligibility requirements, or can agree on key issues beforehand.

Key factors:

• Short marriage (under 5 years)
• No children (or, in some states, they have resolved custody and set child support payments)
• Minimal or no real property (no mortgage)
• Marital property is under a threshold (around $35,000 not including vehicles)
• Each spouse's personal property is under a threshold (typically the same as marital property)

Uncontested divorce

It is estimated that upwards of 95% of divorces in the US are "uncontested," because the two parties are able to come to an agreement (either with or without lawyers/mediators/collaborative counsel) about the property, children and support issues. When the parties can agree and present the court with a fair and equitable agreement, approval of the divorce is almost guaranteed. If the two parties cannot come to an agreement, they may ask the court to decide how to split property, deal with the custody of their children.

Collaborative divorce

Collaborative divorce is becoming a popular method for divorcing couples to come to agreement on divorce issues. In a collaborative divorce, the parties negotiate an agreed resolution with the assistance of attorneys who are trained in the collaborative divorce process and in mediation, and often with the assistance of a neutral financial specialist and/or divorce coach(es). The parties are empowered to make their own decisions based on their own needs and interests, but with complete information and full professional support. Once the collaborative divorce starts, the lawyers are disqualified from representing the parties in a contested legal proceeding, should the collaborative law process end prematurely. Most attorneys who practice collaborative divorce claim that it can be substantially less expensive than other divorce methods (regular divorce or mediation). However, should the parties not reach any agreements, any documents or information exchanged during the collaborative process cannot later be used in further legal proceedings, as the collabrative process is confidential proceedings. Furthermore, there are no set enforceable timelines for completion of a divorce using collabrative divorce.

Mediated divorce

Divorce mediation is an alternative to traditional divorce litigation. [1] In a divorce mediation session, a mediator facilitates the discussion between the husband and wife by assisting with communication and providing information and suggestions to help resolve differences. At the end of the mediation process, the separating parties have typically developed a tailored divorce agreement that can be submitted to the court. Mediation sessions can include the party's attorneys or a neutral attorney or an attorney-mediator who can inform both parties of their legal rights, but does not provide advice to either, or can be conducted without attorneys. Divorce mediators may be attorneys who have experience in divorce cases. Divorce mediation can be significantly less expensive than litigation. [2]. The adherence rate to mediated agreements is much higher than that of adherence to court orders.

Read More......

The Kissing Cure

By Lois B. Morris

When in the throes of an allergy attack or a skin rash, it may help to pucker up. A Japanese study suggests that kissing reduces allergic responses. Among the 48 subjects, half suffered from eczema (a form of atopic dermatitis), and half had hay fever. All the volunteers kissed their lover or spouse for 30 minutes while listening to romantic music. Two weeks later, they listened to the same music and embraced their partner without kissing. Blood tests revealed that after the kissing phase only, the participants experienced a significant decrease in their levels of immunoglobulin E (IGE), an antibody that the immune system produces in response to allergens, thereby eliciting an allergic reaction. Allergist Hajime Kimata of Satou Hospital in Osaka also triggered skin rashes in people allergic to dust mites or latex and determined that after kissing, their IGE levels dropped significantly as well. Relaxation and stress relief from kissing may bring about this immune response, Kimata says.

Read More......

Secret to feeling sexy: It's all in the mind

By Meghan Daum

Sexiness, like love or nostalgia or sinus congestion on a pollen-free day, has a way of sneaking up on us at the most improbable moments.

How do we account, for example, for that ineluctable feeling of desirability that can come over us when we are traipsing home from the yoga studio in sweaty leggings and flip-flops that reveal more about our pedicure history than we'd like? And how, by the same token, do we explain the ease with which many of us can slip into our most reliably fabulous Balenciaga dress and Louboutin slides and still feel as sexy as a bag of carrots?

There are, of course, as many reasons for this cruel dichotomy as there are ways to feel bad about ourselves.

We can blame hormones, headaches, pimples, bloating, bad moods, bad hair, or bad lighting. We must also consider what it is we're staring into. Mirrors, as all women know, are highly politicized entities. For reasons that I am convinced are more complicated than national health care, it is entirely possible for me to look and feel reasonably hot in front of my own mirror and, less than an hour later, catch a reflection of myself that suggests some shapeless creature from Jim Henson's workshop has borrowed my outfit and copied my hairstyle, and is blithely chatting up my friends, all of whom are too polite to say anything.

There have, of course, been times when I have felt almost unbearably sexy for no apparent or justifiable reason: retrieving the newspaper in pajamas and clogs, standing over the kitchen sink washing dishes, pondering the produce selection at Whole Foods. None of these occasions led to or had anything to do with an actual sex act.

In other words, let's get one thing very clear: The phenomenon I'm discussing has to do with sexiness, not horniness. There is a sizable, if nuanced, distinction. If this were the analogy portion of the SAT, we might say that sexiness is to horniness as epicureanism is to hunger. Whereas lust tends to limit its reach to particular people or stretches of time (and, like hunger, can presumably be sated via fairly standard channels), sexiness is a state of mind. It is inextricably linked to sex as a concept but wholly separate from fornication. Despite our preoccupation with the sexiness of women, sexiness applies to both genders. Despite the youth-centric tyranny of our times, it transcends age. As much about posture and voice intonation as it is about cleavage or skirt length or the dimensions of our posteriors, feeling sexy is, at its root, about owning ourselves. It's being at home in our own skins. No wonder it is so damn elusive.

After all, pretty much anyone can have sex.

Capturing the essence of sex and customizing it to our own needs and tastes is more difficult. Hence, another analogy: Having sex is to being sexy what conceiving a child is to raising a child. The first, age and health permitting, is more or less a biological function. The second is an art: a complicated, ever-evolving process that no two people can possibly do the same way. And just as the parents who are most successful at child rearing are often those who pay the least attention to its fads (heated diaper wipes) and socially constructed paranoias (the idea that the child will suffer due to unheated diaper wipes), women who possess an innate eroticism tend to do the least amount of worrying about how they measure up to popular images of sexiness.

Read More......

Can’t quit your ex? How to say goodbye for good

By Dr. Laura Berman

The beginning of summer is always ripe with barbecues, graduations and weddings. Although these get-togethers often happily reunite us with family and friends, they also tend to unhappily reunite us with our exes of yesteryear. Indeed, even with all we have learned from painful breakups, some of us simply cannot resist the temptation of reconnecting with an old flame. And when that old flame is front row and center at a mutual friend’s wedding, the temptation becomes even more irresistible.

If this pattern of “making up and breaking up” sounds familiar to you, you might be part of a revolving-door relationship. Much like a revolving door, your relationship with your ex is never stagnant — he is always on the way into your heart or on the way out.

Your family and friends have heard the many dramas of your relationship with your ex more times than they would like to count, and although you know you sound like a broken record, something always pulls you back into the relationship. The revolving door whooshes again, and you are back in the middle of the broken (and breaking) relationship.

How can you stop this pattern once and for all, especially in the middle of summer social activities?

Change your pattern. When relationships get stuck in a revolving rut, it is generally because our lives are stuck in a revolving rut. By changing your routine, you can change your point of view and end a make-up and break-up cycle. How can you do this? Explore different activities, go to new restaurants, spend time with old friends, or even go on a much-needed vacation. Figure out what is keeping your life in stalemate (chances are that it isn’t just your relationship) and then make a change.

Figure out why you are relying on a broken relationship. You know that your ex isn’t good for you, and you know that you aren’t good for your ex. So why do you keep returning to each other? Don’t fool yourself into thinking that love alone is driving your revolving door, as there are generally a myriad of different emotions driving your decision process. Figuring out these emotions and deciphering what is truly driving you to be in a broken relationship will help you stop the destructive pattern.

Sit down and write down the emotions that come to your mind when you think about breaking up with your ex for good. Whether you are jealous at the thought of seeing your ex with someone new, nostalgic at the thought of losing a close friend, or terrified at the thought of being alone and dating again, you might be surprised to discover that your list isn’t built upon love alone. Of course, all of the above emotions are valid and sincere emotions — but that doesn’t mean that you can build a loving, lasting relationship upon them.

Talk about it with a professional. Breakups are often seen as something most people can make it through on their own. However, most people tend to assuage their broken hearts through self-medicating with destructive behaviors like drinking, one-night stands, angry late-night phone calls to their ex, etc. Losing someone you love through a breakup or a divorce is heartbreaking, and trying to go it alone can be overwhelming. This is why so many people get stuck in a revolving-door cycle, as being alone can be so painful that people would rather be in a bad relationship. A counselor can help you make smarter choices, and give you what you need the most: an unbiased listener.

Finally, it might be helpful to keep two lists on hand with you at all times — one list to remind you why the relationship can’t work (he doesn’t want kids, you don’t share similar life goals, etc.), and one list to remind you why you are content and complete as you are (you love the freedom to meet new people, you have a wonderful network of friends and family, etc.).

Rely on this network as you go through this difficult time, and allow yourself the freedom to be sad, mad, lonely and so on. As the emotions move through you, they will slowly lose their potency, and you will be ready to say goodbye to your ex and move on to a happy, healthy new relationship.

Dr. Laura Berman is the director of the Berman Center in Chicago, a specialized health care facility dedicated to helping women and couples find fulfilling sex lives and enriched relationships. She is also an assistant clinical professor of OB-GYN and psychiatry at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University. She has been working as a sex educator, researcher and therapist for 18 years.

Read More......

Organist walks out on priest's anti-gay marriage appeal.

by Philocrites

Today's Boston Globe tells the story of a brave Roman Catholic cantor and church organist who lost their jobs for challenging an archdiocesan official's anti-gay marriage pulpit appeal. Maria Cramer reports:

At the pulpit of St. Gabriel Church in Brighton, an official from the Catholic Archdiocese of Boston was telling parishioners how to sign a petition to ban same-sex marriage in Massachusetts.

As he looked on, said Patrick Kilduff, the church's organist for 28 years, he grew angry that the archdiocese had chosen a Saturday Mass to make what he considered a political statement.

So before he was supposed to play the closing hymn of the Mass on Oct. 8 , Kilduff walked away from his organ in protest. His cantor, Colleen Bryant, stood in front of the congregation and told them that they did not have to sign the petition if they did not want to.

Moments later on that rainy Saturday afternoon, the church pastor fired Bryant, and Kilduff resigned in a fury.

In an interview yesterday, Kilduff recalled telling the priests of the parish: "'I'm done. I can't believe what you guys have done.'"

I'd be surprised if a few more church musicians don't discover that the church's campaign against gay rights creates an irreconcilable conflict for them on a personal level. After all, many talented and faithful church musicians are gay, and it would be hard to be a church musician who doesn't know, care about, and deeply respect gay colleagues.

Here's to Kilduff and Bryant's courage.

Read More......

Saying 'I do' to marriage

by Edwin Meese, III and Matthew Spalding, Ph.D.

Some have cold feet. Others are indecisive. Many would rather avoid the issue.

Are we willing to amend the U.S. Constitution to preserve the institution of marriage? The question will come before the Senate this week when members debate and vote on whether to consider a constitutional amendment that protects marriage between a man and a woman.

It's not clear what several key senators will do. They say marriage should be between one man and one woman. But they're reluctant to amend the Constitution. They probably think the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act, or DOMA, is enough to protect marriage.

That argument made sense eight years ago. Judges in Hawaii declared the state's marriage statute was "sex discrimination" and violated the Hawaii constitution. That's when Congress overwhelmingly passed DOMA, signed by President Clinton, that defines marriage for purposes of federal law as the union of one man and one woman, and clarifies that the "full faith and credit" clause of the U.S. Constitution does not require that states be forced to recognize as a marriage any union other than that of one man and one woman.

But two U.S. Supreme Court cases changed all that. In Romer vs. Evans, the court declared a state constitutional amendment unconstitutional because it was "born of animosity" toward homosexuals and violated equal protection under the U.S. Constitution. And in Lawrence vs. Texas, the court declared that all individuals have a due process right to "seek autonomy" in their private relationships, including "personal decisions relating to marriage."

Last November, the Massachusetts Supreme Court ran with these ideas when it ruled traditional marriage "is rooted in persistent prejudices" and that homosexual couples are legally entitled to marriage under the state constitution. Massachusetts now has issued more than 2,500 "marriage" licenses to same-sex couples from 27 states and the District of Columbia, creating legal standing to challenge DOMA nationwide.

The effect of all these decisions, and the litigation strategy behind them, is now clear: establish same-sex "marriage" as a civil right the federal government will then have a constitutional obligation to secure nationwide.
Is it likely DOMA will withstand this judicial juggernaut? Under normal circumstances, the answer would be yes. Congress has the power under Article IV to prescribe the effect of the "full faith and credit" clause. But DOMA won't survive activist judges bent on using dubious interpretations of equal protection or due process to advance their policy objectives. "You'd have to be tone deaf," says Harvard law professor Lawrence Tribe, "not to get the message from Lawrence that anything that invites people to give same-sex couples less than full respect is constitutionally suspect." Just read the latest issue of the prestigious Harvard Law Review, the journal of record in elite legal circles: "Now the time is ripe for a constitutional challenge to DOMA." Why? Allegedly DOMA was motivated by animus, violates equal protection principles and is incompatible with substantive due process. The first challenge to the constitutionality of DOMA has been filed in a Florida federal court, arguing DOMA not only abuses full faith and credit but, more importantly, violates the equal protection guarantee of the U.S. Constitution. In the face of this challenge, it's not only reasonable but obligatory that marriage be preferred and defended in the law — and protected in the Constitution. This doesn't mean marriage must be completely nationalized or regulated by the federal government. The Framers rightly left marriage policy with the states. But we can protect the states' liberty to regulate marriage, in accord with the principles of federalism, only by acting to prevent the institution itself from being redefined out of existence or abolished altogether. This is a time for choosing. One option is to allow a few radical judges to redefine marriage by legal fiat, according to their notions of social progress. By circumventing the legislative process and excluding the people from so fundamental a decision, these judges threaten our democracy and the rule of law. The other option – this week in the hands of the U.S. Senate – is to proceed with the democratic process of amending the Constitution to reflect the settled will of the people. Nothing less than the future of our society, and the course of constitutional government in the United States, are at stake.

Read More......

How to Handle Jealousy

Many pepole feel jealous from time to time. Jeaousy is easy to deal with, once you understand what it's teaching you. Here are some pointers on working through your emosions and feelings of jealousy.

STEPS

1. Understand the emotions. Jealousy is a combination of fear and anger; a fear of losing something, and anger that someone is "moving in on" something that you feel belongs only to you.
2. Allow yourself to actually 'feel' the emotion in a healthy way. When you start feeling jealous, ask yourself: is it more fear based, or more anger based? Recognize which part of your body is being affected. If you feel a dropping or clutching sensation in your stomach, it’s probably fear. If you feel a burning, tight sensation in your shoulders and jaw, then you’re likely feeling anger. You might also feel a combination of those sensations.
3. Communicate your feelings. Sharing your true feelings with someone without blaming them can create a deep sense of connection between the two of you and open up a dialogue about the path of your relationship. Use "I" instead of "You". Instead of saying, "you shouldn't have done that", say, "I felt terrible when you did that."
4. Identify what your jealousy is teaching you. Jealousy can alert you to what you want, and what is important to you. If you’re jealous of someone talking to a friend of yours, personal relationships may be important to you. If you’re jealous about money, you may have an underlying need for security or freedom. Ask yourself, "Why am I jealous over this? What is making me jealous? What am I trying to keep? Why do I feel threatened?" When you begin to understand what makes you jealous, you can begin to take positive steps to maintain those things, without the cloud of negative emotion that accompanies jealousy.
5. Change any false beliefs that might cause jealousy. There are often false beliefs that underlie jealousy and fuel emotion. If you examine the belief, many times, you can eliminate the jealousy. Some common underlying beliefs are “Everyone is out to get my money.” or “If this person leaves me, I won't have any friends.” Beliefs are changeable. If you change your belief, you change the way you feel. Choose to tell yourself a belief that is nurturing and supportive, and you’ll feel better. When you begin taking steps to creating a happy and fulfilling life for yourself, you will find the anger, the jealousy and the fear will disappear.Dont listen to people who make you jealous.

TIPS

• Jealousy is not the same thing as love. Sometimes, people think that by feeling jealous about someone, they are loving them. Jealousy is not love, it’s the fear and anger of losing love. Jealousy disappears when you are truly loving yourself and others for whatever experience you’re having.
• Learn to be happy with yourself and what you have. Everyone is different and each person has their good and bad qualities. Realize that you have the potential to create a better future.
• Try to talk about your problems with someone. Perhaps you feel that these jealous tendencies are a private matter; then, you ought to anonymously ask an advice column or similar construct about your problem.
• Irrational jealousy usually stems from your own insecurities and low self-esteem. Address these issues first.
• Be happy for the other person. Jealousy can represent that "I like that, it would be nice to have that thing or experience". When you can be happy for another person's success and happiness, you are allowing positive feelings to flow into your life. Instead of being angry, congratulate the other person.

WARNING

• If jealousy in your relationship is leading to control or power struggles, it's a sign that there is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

Read More......

How to Maintain Romance

There is so much more involved in keeping romance alive than just candles, bubble baths, and foot massages. You each have to work at it in order to maintain and enjoy romance in your life. Here is how to feed the romantic fires in your relationship in a deep and meaningful way.

STEPS

1. Tell the truth. Truth is the ultimate aphrodisiac and a great way to create connection with your partner. For example, you might say "I feel safe when I am with you" or "Sometimes I feel scared that we get so busy with other things that we forget about creating close moments together, but I really want to be close with you." Just share your true feelings and speak from your experience. If you are concealing in your relationship, you will not feel connected, so consider making truth an ongoing priority in your life.
2. Appreciate yourself and your partner. Appreciation means "to grow in value, or to be sensitively aware of." Take time to understand just what it is that you like about yourself, and your partner. Saying for example, "I am doing a good job as a parent by taking time to hug the kids in the morning before they go off to school." or "I really appreciate how dedicated you are to your job." Successful relationships have a 5 to 1 ratio of appreciations to criticisms, so if you really want to heat up your relationship, start appreciating!
3. Listen. All humans crave being seen and heard. Being with your partner, and really listening to them can be magical for you both. Often, we want to fix their problems, but it is much more powerful to listen. Saying, "Wow, I can understand you are frustrated." or "That must have been hard on you." Let your partner know you're hearing them.
4. Create romance within yourself first. We often try to "get" our partners to be more romantic by believing we need to change them in order to have what we want. The truth is that you are much more likely to have what you want when 'you' show up in that way. For example, create your own romantic mood--dress, put on music, prepare sensuous foods, take some time to love and appreciate yourself. It will not take long for your partner to join in the fun!
5. Ask for what you want. Let your partner know that you are deeply interested in spending some romantic time with them (You would be surprised at how often they are unaware of this.) Whining, demanding, and manipulating are contrary to creating romance, so do your best to ask using kind and loving words.
6. Bring play back into your relationship. Levity is a sexy thing. If you are stuck in thoughts of how much housework you have to do, or that you might wake the kids, more than likely you will not feel romantic. Laugh about the ways that you take your self out of a romantic mood, and soon, you will be back in it.
7. Speak your partner's love language. We often become confused and disappointed by expecting the other person to do such and such romantic things. Do to your partner the things they like as well as you telling them what 'you' like, want, and expect. When you fulfill their needs and desires, you will end up receiving the same in return!
8. Accept each other unconditionally, respect each others wishes and dislikes. Keep the mystery and fascination to each other. Love each moment as if it is the last.

TIPS

• Communicate with your partner about what each of you wants in the area of romance, without making the other person feel wrong for their desires. One may want less romance, the other may want more, however by communicating, each can have what they want, it just may not look the way you think it is supposed to. For example, how could you create a romantic evening just for yourself? (This is a really powerful step to creating a life of joy!)
• Portions of this article are based on the works of Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks

WARNING

• Many couples will subconsciously create an argument just when there is an opportunity for romance. This happens because we have conditioned ourselves to avoid intimate connection. We are afraid of being hurt when we are most open and vulnerable, thus we shut down without even realizing we are doing it. When this happens, take notice, without judging yourself or your partner. Instead try once more to spark a connection by using the steps above.
• Being sarcastic with the one you love is not romantic or funny, unless both partners realize the mood.

Read More......

How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work

It's hard enough to make local relationships work, but having miles, States, and sometimes even an ocean between you makes it even more difficult. However, successful long distance relationships can and do exist. Here's how to give yours every chance to survive and thrive.

STEPS

1. Ask the important questions at the onset, to make sure you are both clear on the parameters of the relationship. These can be difficult and awkward questions to ask, but will save you great heartache and misunderstanding down the line. Example: "Are you open to the possibility of relocating if the relationship should become more serious?"
2. Communicate in some way every day, more than once if possible. Since you won't be seeing each other, it's important to establish and maintain an emotional connection. These don't have to be long, in-depth conversations (though those should occur sometimes). Tell each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask for advice. Use an instant messenger program or VoIP for real-time chat, or web cams for that visual connection, but while instant messaging and e-mails play a large role in long distance relationships, remember that they can in no way replace verbal communication. E-mail is great so make sure you use it, especially if long-distance phone calls put a strain on your budget.(Even though phone calls might get a little too expensive, there are special cards if you are to call each other from different countries, there will be no problems with costs since it is very cheap. We highly recommend you get one of those cards, it will be a lot cheaper and from experience E-mail and instant messages makes it easier to misunderstand each other.) Write love letters. Send small gifts or flowers for no reason. In this case, quantity is as important as quality. You may discover an advantage over others whose partner is close at hand - you don't take communication for granted!
3. Take advantage of the benefits a long distance relationship offers: more time with friends and/or family, no arguments over toothpaste caps, the pleasure of seeing your sweetheart again after a long absence, time to mull your options (rather than snapping at your partner impulsively) before you respond to that email s/he wrote that seemed so rude the first time you read it, etc. Most important, being far apart gives you a chance to maintain your individuality - something that can get lost in the shuffle when couples spend all their free time together.
4. Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart. If there's a movie you're both interested in seeing, watch it individually and then call each other afterward and talk about it. Read a certain book at the same time. Stargaze while on you're on the phone. Set your watches to go off at the same time every day, and synchronize your alarm with that of your partner. Make it a point to think of each other when your watch goes off, and revel in the fact that he or she is thinking about you, too. Find creative ways to bond.
5. Avoid the temptation to be controlling. People have free will and no one can or should control another person. As long as you are both interested in being in the relationship, you will stick with it and distance will not make a difference. As soon as one of you decides the other is not a good match - or someone else is a better match - your relationship ends, whether you live 3000 miles apart, two streets over, or share the same bed with your wedding picture on the wall. You are going to have to trust each other completely if this relationship is going to work.
6. Talk about your future together. Assuming that ultimately you'd want to live together, discussing how you're going to get to that point will help you prove to each other that the relationship is going somewhere and that your efforts and frustrations are not in vain.
7. Know when to say good-bye. While this is tough in any relationship, this can be especially hard over long distances. When communication becomes one-sided or sparse for too long and for no apparent reason, when arguments (yes, you'll have them) become too frequent, when the whole thing just seems like more trouble than it's worth, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. Either you'll decide to go your separate ways, or you'll get closer for having overcome another obstacle to your happiness together.
8. Remember things will get better with time, and even the relationship will become better. Have hope.

TIPS

• A long distance relationship is no different from a proximal relationship in that they both require a great deal of work, excellent communication, patience, sacrifice and understanding. But you will have to work extra hard to maintain the communication and to stay focused enough to not let your daily life interfere with your desire to be with the other person. Don't forget them or you can forget the relationship and it will all be over.
• One of the hardest parts of a long distance relationship is connecting when one person gets busier than the other. If this happens in a relationship it is important to maintain communication. If you are the busy person, try to warn your partner ahead of time that you will be working many hours and may have limited time. If you are the not-as-busy person, take advantage of the time by picking up a new hobby, getting in shape, reading a new book, etc. Flexibility is very important.
• It helps to have a solid time in the future for when the long distance part of the relationship will end, no matter the time length. Without it, the relationship can begin to mold into something that is always distant - even with great communication. With it, each person can see the point at which the distance will end and work harder to keep emotions readily available.
• When talking to your partner, take note of things they enjoy the most (hobbies, day-to-day activities, etc.), and do a little research on it so you have more to do when you see them next. For example: If your partner likes to dance, find the location of different clubs where you will see them next. If you don't know how to dance, take lessons and you will impress them by your willingness to make an effort on their behalf.
• Buy a game that you can play together over the internet, such as a MMORPG (massively multi-player online role playing game). You will be able to chat while playing and it will give a greater feeling of togetherness.
• Mail each other scented clothes.(Or even clothes smelling of your sweat - pheromones are a great way to establish intimate contact.)
• Send each other spontaneous ecards.
• Make a creative countdown and mail it to your partner to enjoy until you see each other next. For example, create a photo calendar, with something you add for each day to describe what you love about them.
• Do not set unreasonable expectations for your visit. Fantasizing about the visit is fine, but not out loud or by email to your partner. Instead, enjoy the excitement of the surprises to come.
• The Long Distance Relationship Guidebook is a well-balanced, practical book for couples in long distance relationships who need some guidance.
• Buy a webcam so you can chat face to face and see each other, so when you meet you will remember what they look like.
• Consider the fact that living far apart gives you both a chance to grow as individuals. Some couples break up to "find themselves", but in a long distance relationship you both have enough space to do your own things and still have a connection.

WARNING!!!

• Remember, every kind of relationship takes hard work and dedication to your loved one or partner, whether it's long distance or proximal. If you and your partner are willing to take these steps, then expect bumps and turns in the road. These bumps and turns will only help contribute towards a relationship.
• Long distance relationships are not for the faint of heart. They can be very trying - but so can proximal relationships.
• Long distance relationships can and will test you and your partner; you need to trust him/her entirely as paranoia can play a major part in the demise of your relationship. Also, these kinds of relationships can bring a lot of disappointment and heartache--depending on the time you spend away from each other it is VERY important that if you want this relationship to work you must make a great effort not to drift apart.
• Long distance relationships are difficult, as you are emotionally attached to a person you cannot touch or comfort (hug, kiss, hold hands), and this can hurt your heart and wreak havoc with your emotions. The only way to make these relationships work is if you and your partner honestly believe you will be able to survive without each other for a considerable amount of time without the need or desire to be with someone else.

Read More......

Is Your Relationships Emotionally Safe?

“Whatever,” “Fine,” “OK,” “Nothing”—these are just a few of the comments that people make when they are indifferent to some aspect of the relationship. Continued indifference is usually followed by apathy, then total withdrawal and then finally emotional as well as physical separation. All of these can have a devastating affect on communication, trust, respect, and even whether you like your partner.

If it is easier to hide your true feelings or beliefs than argue about them, you may have an un-safe relationship. What do I mean by a safe relationship? It is one without:

- judgments
- invalidation (see glossary)
- personal agendas
- retribution
- negatively delivered criticism
- blame
- psychological games

It takes time for people to realize that their relationship is not safe. If you have an un-safe relationship, you do not need to shed all of your opinions, beliefs, and values. However, if your partner feels as though it is necessary to tiptoe through the relationship, the relationship probably lacks true honesty and communication about feelings, fears, desires, or needs. I will also bet there are a lot of negative, non-verbal signals between both of you.

Everyone experiences fragile stages in their relationships from time to time. If, when your partner is experiencing one of these states, you choose to criticize them, I guarantee that they will defend themselves by either withdrawing or attacking. Both responses can lead to increased relationship stress and more hidden agendas.

A hidden agenda is when your partner wants to say something but doesn’t because they doesn’t want to hurt your feelings or just want to avoid conflict. Either way, communication suffers.

I have experienced indifferent feelings while in a relationship, and my partners have done the same with me. I can tell you that if these feelings of indifference are not dealt with, they will destroy the relationship. I did not say these feelings will END the relationship. Many destroyed relationships may actually last months or even years before their formal ending. How could a relationship be failing, when both people are acting as if it were fine? There are too many reasons to list, but it is generally for one of the following reasons:

1. Fear of the unknown: “I know what I have if I stay. If I leave, who knows what could happen in my life?”

2. Lost hope: “I guess this is the best I can do. No sense in trying again or starting over.”

3. Settling: “I’ll never get what I want in a partner.”

There are three choices everyone in a relationship can make:

1. Change your partner or his behavior.
2. Accept your partner and his behavior.
3. Leave the relationship.

You may be in between these three: You can’t change something, but won’t accept it; or you can’t accept something, but won’t leave. If you suffer from one of these variations, I guarantee you are putting yourself under a great deal of stress, and this stress just makes everything worse.

Read More......

Safe Relationship

In the depths of our souls we all yearn for love and connection with others. That yearning reflects a basic, even biological, human need. Infants, for example, thrive physically only when they feel deeply loved and cherished. As adults, we experience wrenching, soul-level loneliness when we don't have love and meaningful connection in our lives, yet all too frequently we don't have these things. Not with our parents or siblings, not with a mate, not even with a best friend.

We all intuitively know that the highest experience in life is the sharing of love. However, we often confuse the idea of sharing love with the idea of getting love. We try to get love when we feel empty inside and can share love only when we learn to first fill ourselves with love. We cannot share that which we do not have within. The wounded part of us seeks constantly to get love and avoid pain, resulting in an inability to share love. Until we each accept the full responsibility of becoming strong enough to love, we will not be able to share love. This means creating inner safety by learning how to love ourselves and take responsibility for our own feelings, so that we are not constantly trying to get love.

Most people have deep fears of rejection and abandonment, as well as of domination and engulfment. These fears stem from childhood experiences and from defining our worth externally through others' approval, rather than internally through spiritual eyes of truth. We will be unable to share our love to the fullest extent until we heal these fears of loss of other and of loss of self. We will be unable to create the safe relationship space in which to share love, and a safe world in which to live, until we learn how to create safety within. Inner Bonding is a profound process for healing our fears, creating safety within, and for creating safe relationship spaces, spaces where each person feels free to be fully themselves, to speak their truth and grow into their full potential.

It is possible in all relationships to create loving connection. Family, friends, co-workers, employers and employees, who are willing to learn the skills necessary to heal the blocks to connection can all create safe relationship spaces.

A relationship space is the environment in which the relationship is occurring. It is the energy created by the two people involved. I think of this environment, this relationship space, as an actual entity that both people are responsible for creating. It can be a safe relationship space, which is open, warm, light, and inviting, or it can be an unsafe relationship space, which is hard, dark, unforgiving, and full of fear. The kind of environment in which our relationship takes place is crucial to its success--or failure.

At the heart of all relationship issues is our intent. We are always choosing our intent, but most people are unconscious of the fact that they are making a choice each moment. At any given moment there are only two possible intents to choose from:

The intent to avoid painful feelings and responsibility for them, through some form of controlling behavior.

The intent to learn about loving ourselves and others and take full responsibility for our own feelings and behavior.

Every relationship has a system. The system may be open and loving, or controlling and unloving. Relationship systems start surprisingly early, sometimes within the first minutes or days of meeting.

A safe relationship space exists when two or more people intend to learn and are willing to take full personal responsibility for their own feelings, while accepting that their energy and behavior affects others. When both individuals fully accept that they are a part of an energy system, i.e., they recognize that each person's energy affects the other, and they are willing to take responsibility both for their own controlling behavior and for their responses to the controlling behavior of others, they create a safe relationship space. Such a space is a circle of loving energy that results from each person's deep desire to learn what is most loving to themselves and others. To create a safe relationship space, all persons involved need to be deeply committed to learning about their own controlling behavior, rather than focusing on what another is doing. Rather than giving themselves up to avoid rejection or attempting to get others to give themselves up to feel safe, each person is devoted to their own and the other's highest good, supporting themselves and each other in becoming all they can be.

Many of us have spent a great deal of time in unsafe relationship spaces. In fact, some of us have never experienced a safe relationship space because many, if not most, of us have not learned to create a safe inner space by staying in a loving Adult frame of mind when our fears are activated. When our fears of being rejected, abandoned, engulfed and controlled are triggered, most of us immediately retreat into our learned controlling behaviors. We may move our focus into our minds to avoid our feelings; we may attack, blame, defend, demand, explain, deny, judge, criticize, shut down, withdraw, resist, give in and comply, placate, lie, become overly nice, and so on. Of course, the moment we act out in controlling ways, our behavior may trigger another's fears of being rejected or controlled, and that person may then react in controlling ways as well, creating a vicious circle and an unsafe relationship space.

If, when these fears are activated, we focus on who is at fault or who started it, we perpetuate an unsafe relationship space. Blaming another for our fears (and for our own reactive, unloving behavior) makes the relationship space more unsafe than ever. Then both people in the relationship end up feeling bad, each of us believing that our pain is the result of the other person's behavior. We feel victimized, helpless, stuck, and disconnected from our partner. We desperately want the other person to see what they are doing that (we think) is causing our pain. We think that if the other person only understands this, they will change--and we exhaust ourselves trying to figure out how to make them understand.

Over time, being in an unsafe relationship space creates distance between the people involved. When we have not created a safe space in which to speak our complete, heartfelt truth about ourselves, the joy between us gradually dies. And the more we hold back our innermost feelings and experiences, the shallower our connection becomes. Our intimacy crumbles.

In friendships, marriages, and work relationships, our joy, electricity, and creativity get lost as we each give up parts of ourselves in an attempt to feel safe. In romantic relationships, passion dries up. Superficiality, boredom, fighting, and apathy take its place. We try valiantly to figure out what went wrong. But too often we ask, "What am I doing wrong?" or "What are you doing wrong?" rather than inquiring into the health of the relationship space itself.

Only when we look at the relationship space will we see what we are each doing to create the unsafe space. The dual fears of losing the other through rejection and losing ourselves through being swallowed up by the other are the underlying cause of our unloving, reactive behavior. These fears are deeply rooted. They cannot be healed or overcome by getting someone else's love. On the contrary, we must heal these fears before we can share love--give and receive love--with each other.

The key to doing this is learning how to create a safe inner space where we can work with and overcome our fears of rejection and engulfment. This is a process, not an event. Practicing the process of Inner Bonding gradually creates inner safety as we learn to take personal responsibility for our own feelings and behavior. Inner Bonding guides us in defining ourselves internally through the eyes of our personal spiritual guidance, instead of externally through performance, looks, and others' approval. In addition, it provides us with a clear process for conflict resolution that can be used in any relationship difficulty. Instead of love eroding with time, love deepens daily, supporting each person in the sacred journey of the soul's evolution.

Any two people who are willing to learn to create their own inner sense of safety can also learn to create a safe relationship space where their intimacy and passion will flourish and their love will endure.

Read More......

Sexual fitness makes a difference

Good sex has a lot to do with stamina, flexibility and blood flow. Thus, keeping yourself in general good health---by eating well and exercising regularly--may be the most important thing you do to keep sex alive as you age. Low-fat, high fiber eating in small amounts throughout the day can help you have more energy and ward off that sluggish, uncomfortable (I’d rather sleep than make love) feeling. And if you want choice in lovemaking positions and want to be physically spontaneous and intense at times, you will probably need to practice a variety of exercise styles. For instance, yoga for flexibility, weight training for strength, and aerobics for stamina. One recent study showed that a good workout on an exercise bike increased sexual interest in women more than a candlelit dinner. The more blood flow to your genitals, the healthier they will be and more you will feel.

But your biceps and thighs aren’t the only muscles in your body that need continued exercise and attention for good sex. You need to keep your pubococcygeus muscle--or PC muscle, for short-- in shape. In animals, the PC is the muscle that wags the tail. In women and men, it’s the muscle that contracts when we climax. The PC muscle is a hammock-like muscle that extends from the pubic bone to the coccyx (tail bone). Also known as the “love muscle”, the PC holds up our sex organs. When it is thick and strong it gives good support (and keeps us from peeing when we laugh or cough) and when it is weak, it can reduce pelvic blood flow and cause weak orgasms or no orgasms at all (not to mention more than a few stains in our underwear!)

To keep your PC muscle strong for enjoyable sex, you will need to exercise it frequently--ideally, daily, for the rest of your life! No, I’m not kidding. This one belongs right up there with flossing and bathing regularly. The standard PC exercise consists of TIGHTENING, HOLDING, and RELAXING the muscle over and over again--- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly,--- for up to 100 times a day. Also known as “kegel exercises” these PC exercises are effective in treating urinary incontinence and improving recovery after childbirth. Many women have told me that they experience stronger, longer-lasting orgasms when their PC’s are in shape. [Detailed descriptions of the kegel exercises can be found in many childbirth and women’s sexuality books.] PC exercises can be tedious and time-consuming. Women who do them regularly have learned to integrate them in with activities such as driving, talking on the phone, or watching TV. You may also find at times that a few sets of PC exercises will increase sexual arousal. Thus, they can be great to do when waiting for your lover to join you in bed or during a candlelit dinner.

Comfortable settings, comfortable vaginas
The older we get, the more we need to focus on being comfortable in sex. It can help to create settings for lovemaking and self-pleasuring that are relaxed and relatively stress free. Take the phone off the hook. Turn on some soft music. Give yourself lots of time. Make sure you have lots of privacy.

It’s important to identify what you need to feel more comfortable sexually and then give yourself permission take action. Mattie, a 52 year old, self-described hot and sexy midlifer, keeps a wide variety of different size and shape pillows near her bed. This way she has them handing when making love to prop up a hip or a lover’s head. Joan, a woman in her mid-forties, suddenly developed a self-consciousness about her own vaginal odor. This new anxiety made it difficult to touch herself at night. To remedy this she created a ritual of gently cleansing her vaginal opening and lips before retiring to bed.

But it’s not just external comforts you’ll need to address in active ways. You’ll need to be sensitive and responsive to how your body is feeling on the inside during sex, as well. Vaginal dryness and discomfort are concerns of many midlife women from time to time. It is natural for vaginal lubrication to diminish some as we age and fluctuate according to our levels of stress and hormonal changes.

Continuing to have sex when you feel uncomfortable inside could damage tissues, or at the very least, promote negative feelings about sex. Because menopausal women are more susceptible to bladder and vaginal infections, it’s a good idea to consult a health care professional to determine what is causing the discomfort and get you started on appropriate treatments. A lot of problems with vaginal dryness can be remedied by keeping lubricants, such as Astroglide and Creme de la femme, handy and using them liberally during lovemaking.

More serious problems with vaginal dryness and soreness can be effectively treated with hormone creams that are applied directly to the vaginal tissues. When Toby, a 49 year old who had been skipping periods for several years, consulted her doctor, she was surprised to learn that her vaginal discomfort and dryness problems could be traced to visible changes in the cushioning layers of her vagina. She went on a program of inserting .5 gram of estriol cream (from a compounding pharmacy) twice a week. It plumped up the tissues to where she rarely needs to use lubricant anymore. Toby says, “I feel like I’m 25 again. . . that is, on the inside, where it counts!”

It’s time for new thoughts and a few new moves
Keeping sex alive involves being able to make adjustments, as they are needed, in the way you think about sex and the way you experience it. We need to move away from thinking that we have to look a certain way (ie. like a Playboy bunny, or even like Goldie Hawn at 55) to be active and enjoy sex. Good sex is not a matter of how you look, but rather depends on how you feel and what you choose to do. Women of any age are sexy when we accept and appreciate our incredible bodies, and tune into enjoying touch and other sensual pleasures. Now is a great time to put on those silk sheets, light up in an assortment of scented candles, and spend an afternoon with your lover and a jar of chocolate body paint.

The willingness to be creative and open to new things is one of the best ways to keep sexuality alive for years. Studies show that the couples who have satisfying long-term sex lives are those who are open to experimentation. Novelty creates excitement. Anticipation builds arousal. We can go wild wondering what might happen next.

Vibrators, sex toys, erotica, and even romance novels, can add to excitement and help get the juices flowing. There are some new “natural contours” vibrators on the market that look like modern art and purr softly (and wouldn’t scare a grandchild who happened to find one lying about). [footnote, Natural Contours 1-800-456-LOVE; also, www.sexualhealth.com sells sex toys and vibrators on-line]. Romance writers, such as Susan Johnson (Blaze, Pure Sin), Nora Roberts (her Dream Trilogy), and Mary Jo Putney (her Silk Trilogy), offer stories of strong women with strong desires, and, thankfully, no shame. (You can also find inspirations in my best-selling anthologies of contemporary poetry: Passionate Hearts: The Poetry of Sexual Love and Intimate Kisses: The Poetry of Sexual Pleasure).

As physical problems surface now and then, having a variety of activities to choose from can enable us to stay sexually active. If one thing doesn’t work, you don’t roll over and go to sleep, you try something else. I recommend couples experiment with a “side-by-side” or “scissors” sexual position in which both partners are reclining next to each other rather than one person being on top of the other. (The man rolls on his side towards the woman. She lies on her back, and drapes one or both legs over his hips so he can enter from the side). These alternative positions can be less stressful when people are tired, stressed or their bodies ache for one reason or another.

Similarly, oral sex can become more important as we age. Men may slow down in their ability to get and maintain an erection. They often need more stimulation to inspire action and response. Erectile difficulties matter less when women have another option for sexual release. And, it’s important to know that men can climax even without becoming erect. Since many physical sexual problems are made worse by anxiety, exercising alternatives modes for mutual pleasure can hasten sexual recovery.

It’s a good idea to do a little soul searching when you are considering something new that you aren’t sure about. Rachel, a 52 year old woman who is actively dating says, “Whenever I come up with a new idea, be it wearing a shorter skirt or tickling my nipples in front of a new partner, I always ask myself first: Does this go against my personal values? Am I feeling healthy excitement or dreadful anxiety? While I want to be open to new things, I don’t want to do anything that will hurt me or anyone else.”

Sexual changes are inevitable but they are not insurmountable. With good information, medical interventions when needed, and a lively and creative approach to sexual sharing we can go on to enjoy this rewarding part of life for many years to come. With a gleam in her eyes, Alicia, a woman in her mid-fifties, told me: “I’m looking forward to being bolder and taking the lead more with my partner. I’m looking forward to our sexual relationship deepening. I’m looking forward to being more flouncy. I’m going to get a feather boa. I’m going to be a hussy!”

Read More......