How to Handle Jealousy

Many pepole feel jealous from time to time. Jeaousy is easy to deal with, once you understand what it's teaching you. Here are some pointers on working through your emosions and feelings of jealousy.

STEPS

1. Understand the emotions. Jealousy is a combination of fear and anger; a fear of losing something, and anger that someone is "moving in on" something that you feel belongs only to you.
2. Allow yourself to actually 'feel' the emotion in a healthy way. When you start feeling jealous, ask yourself: is it more fear based, or more anger based? Recognize which part of your body is being affected. If you feel a dropping or clutching sensation in your stomach, it’s probably fear. If you feel a burning, tight sensation in your shoulders and jaw, then you’re likely feeling anger. You might also feel a combination of those sensations.
3. Communicate your feelings. Sharing your true feelings with someone without blaming them can create a deep sense of connection between the two of you and open up a dialogue about the path of your relationship. Use "I" instead of "You". Instead of saying, "you shouldn't have done that", say, "I felt terrible when you did that."
4. Identify what your jealousy is teaching you. Jealousy can alert you to what you want, and what is important to you. If you’re jealous of someone talking to a friend of yours, personal relationships may be important to you. If you’re jealous about money, you may have an underlying need for security or freedom. Ask yourself, "Why am I jealous over this? What is making me jealous? What am I trying to keep? Why do I feel threatened?" When you begin to understand what makes you jealous, you can begin to take positive steps to maintain those things, without the cloud of negative emotion that accompanies jealousy.
5. Change any false beliefs that might cause jealousy. There are often false beliefs that underlie jealousy and fuel emotion. If you examine the belief, many times, you can eliminate the jealousy. Some common underlying beliefs are “Everyone is out to get my money.” or “If this person leaves me, I won't have any friends.” Beliefs are changeable. If you change your belief, you change the way you feel. Choose to tell yourself a belief that is nurturing and supportive, and you’ll feel better. When you begin taking steps to creating a happy and fulfilling life for yourself, you will find the anger, the jealousy and the fear will disappear.Dont listen to people who make you jealous.

TIPS

• Jealousy is not the same thing as love. Sometimes, people think that by feeling jealous about someone, they are loving them. Jealousy is not love, it’s the fear and anger of losing love. Jealousy disappears when you are truly loving yourself and others for whatever experience you’re having.
• Learn to be happy with yourself and what you have. Everyone is different and each person has their good and bad qualities. Realize that you have the potential to create a better future.
• Try to talk about your problems with someone. Perhaps you feel that these jealous tendencies are a private matter; then, you ought to anonymously ask an advice column or similar construct about your problem.
• Irrational jealousy usually stems from your own insecurities and low self-esteem. Address these issues first.
• Be happy for the other person. Jealousy can represent that "I like that, it would be nice to have that thing or experience". When you can be happy for another person's success and happiness, you are allowing positive feelings to flow into your life. Instead of being angry, congratulate the other person.

WARNING

• If jealousy in your relationship is leading to control or power struggles, it's a sign that there is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

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How to Maintain Romance

There is so much more involved in keeping romance alive than just candles, bubble baths, and foot massages. You each have to work at it in order to maintain and enjoy romance in your life. Here is how to feed the romantic fires in your relationship in a deep and meaningful way.

STEPS

1. Tell the truth. Truth is the ultimate aphrodisiac and a great way to create connection with your partner. For example, you might say "I feel safe when I am with you" or "Sometimes I feel scared that we get so busy with other things that we forget about creating close moments together, but I really want to be close with you." Just share your true feelings and speak from your experience. If you are concealing in your relationship, you will not feel connected, so consider making truth an ongoing priority in your life.
2. Appreciate yourself and your partner. Appreciation means "to grow in value, or to be sensitively aware of." Take time to understand just what it is that you like about yourself, and your partner. Saying for example, "I am doing a good job as a parent by taking time to hug the kids in the morning before they go off to school." or "I really appreciate how dedicated you are to your job." Successful relationships have a 5 to 1 ratio of appreciations to criticisms, so if you really want to heat up your relationship, start appreciating!
3. Listen. All humans crave being seen and heard. Being with your partner, and really listening to them can be magical for you both. Often, we want to fix their problems, but it is much more powerful to listen. Saying, "Wow, I can understand you are frustrated." or "That must have been hard on you." Let your partner know you're hearing them.
4. Create romance within yourself first. We often try to "get" our partners to be more romantic by believing we need to change them in order to have what we want. The truth is that you are much more likely to have what you want when 'you' show up in that way. For example, create your own romantic mood--dress, put on music, prepare sensuous foods, take some time to love and appreciate yourself. It will not take long for your partner to join in the fun!
5. Ask for what you want. Let your partner know that you are deeply interested in spending some romantic time with them (You would be surprised at how often they are unaware of this.) Whining, demanding, and manipulating are contrary to creating romance, so do your best to ask using kind and loving words.
6. Bring play back into your relationship. Levity is a sexy thing. If you are stuck in thoughts of how much housework you have to do, or that you might wake the kids, more than likely you will not feel romantic. Laugh about the ways that you take your self out of a romantic mood, and soon, you will be back in it.
7. Speak your partner's love language. We often become confused and disappointed by expecting the other person to do such and such romantic things. Do to your partner the things they like as well as you telling them what 'you' like, want, and expect. When you fulfill their needs and desires, you will end up receiving the same in return!
8. Accept each other unconditionally, respect each others wishes and dislikes. Keep the mystery and fascination to each other. Love each moment as if it is the last.

TIPS

• Communicate with your partner about what each of you wants in the area of romance, without making the other person feel wrong for their desires. One may want less romance, the other may want more, however by communicating, each can have what they want, it just may not look the way you think it is supposed to. For example, how could you create a romantic evening just for yourself? (This is a really powerful step to creating a life of joy!)
• Portions of this article are based on the works of Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks

WARNING

• Many couples will subconsciously create an argument just when there is an opportunity for romance. This happens because we have conditioned ourselves to avoid intimate connection. We are afraid of being hurt when we are most open and vulnerable, thus we shut down without even realizing we are doing it. When this happens, take notice, without judging yourself or your partner. Instead try once more to spark a connection by using the steps above.
• Being sarcastic with the one you love is not romantic or funny, unless both partners realize the mood.

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How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work

It's hard enough to make local relationships work, but having miles, States, and sometimes even an ocean between you makes it even more difficult. However, successful long distance relationships can and do exist. Here's how to give yours every chance to survive and thrive.

STEPS

1. Ask the important questions at the onset, to make sure you are both clear on the parameters of the relationship. These can be difficult and awkward questions to ask, but will save you great heartache and misunderstanding down the line. Example: "Are you open to the possibility of relocating if the relationship should become more serious?"
2. Communicate in some way every day, more than once if possible. Since you won't be seeing each other, it's important to establish and maintain an emotional connection. These don't have to be long, in-depth conversations (though those should occur sometimes). Tell each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask for advice. Use an instant messenger program or VoIP for real-time chat, or web cams for that visual connection, but while instant messaging and e-mails play a large role in long distance relationships, remember that they can in no way replace verbal communication. E-mail is great so make sure you use it, especially if long-distance phone calls put a strain on your budget.(Even though phone calls might get a little too expensive, there are special cards if you are to call each other from different countries, there will be no problems with costs since it is very cheap. We highly recommend you get one of those cards, it will be a lot cheaper and from experience E-mail and instant messages makes it easier to misunderstand each other.) Write love letters. Send small gifts or flowers for no reason. In this case, quantity is as important as quality. You may discover an advantage over others whose partner is close at hand - you don't take communication for granted!
3. Take advantage of the benefits a long distance relationship offers: more time with friends and/or family, no arguments over toothpaste caps, the pleasure of seeing your sweetheart again after a long absence, time to mull your options (rather than snapping at your partner impulsively) before you respond to that email s/he wrote that seemed so rude the first time you read it, etc. Most important, being far apart gives you a chance to maintain your individuality - something that can get lost in the shuffle when couples spend all their free time together.
4. Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart. If there's a movie you're both interested in seeing, watch it individually and then call each other afterward and talk about it. Read a certain book at the same time. Stargaze while on you're on the phone. Set your watches to go off at the same time every day, and synchronize your alarm with that of your partner. Make it a point to think of each other when your watch goes off, and revel in the fact that he or she is thinking about you, too. Find creative ways to bond.
5. Avoid the temptation to be controlling. People have free will and no one can or should control another person. As long as you are both interested in being in the relationship, you will stick with it and distance will not make a difference. As soon as one of you decides the other is not a good match - or someone else is a better match - your relationship ends, whether you live 3000 miles apart, two streets over, or share the same bed with your wedding picture on the wall. You are going to have to trust each other completely if this relationship is going to work.
6. Talk about your future together. Assuming that ultimately you'd want to live together, discussing how you're going to get to that point will help you prove to each other that the relationship is going somewhere and that your efforts and frustrations are not in vain.
7. Know when to say good-bye. While this is tough in any relationship, this can be especially hard over long distances. When communication becomes one-sided or sparse for too long and for no apparent reason, when arguments (yes, you'll have them) become too frequent, when the whole thing just seems like more trouble than it's worth, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. Either you'll decide to go your separate ways, or you'll get closer for having overcome another obstacle to your happiness together.
8. Remember things will get better with time, and even the relationship will become better. Have hope.

TIPS

• A long distance relationship is no different from a proximal relationship in that they both require a great deal of work, excellent communication, patience, sacrifice and understanding. But you will have to work extra hard to maintain the communication and to stay focused enough to not let your daily life interfere with your desire to be with the other person. Don't forget them or you can forget the relationship and it will all be over.
• One of the hardest parts of a long distance relationship is connecting when one person gets busier than the other. If this happens in a relationship it is important to maintain communication. If you are the busy person, try to warn your partner ahead of time that you will be working many hours and may have limited time. If you are the not-as-busy person, take advantage of the time by picking up a new hobby, getting in shape, reading a new book, etc. Flexibility is very important.
• It helps to have a solid time in the future for when the long distance part of the relationship will end, no matter the time length. Without it, the relationship can begin to mold into something that is always distant - even with great communication. With it, each person can see the point at which the distance will end and work harder to keep emotions readily available.
• When talking to your partner, take note of things they enjoy the most (hobbies, day-to-day activities, etc.), and do a little research on it so you have more to do when you see them next. For example: If your partner likes to dance, find the location of different clubs where you will see them next. If you don't know how to dance, take lessons and you will impress them by your willingness to make an effort on their behalf.
• Buy a game that you can play together over the internet, such as a MMORPG (massively multi-player online role playing game). You will be able to chat while playing and it will give a greater feeling of togetherness.
• Mail each other scented clothes.(Or even clothes smelling of your sweat - pheromones are a great way to establish intimate contact.)
• Send each other spontaneous ecards.
• Make a creative countdown and mail it to your partner to enjoy until you see each other next. For example, create a photo calendar, with something you add for each day to describe what you love about them.
• Do not set unreasonable expectations for your visit. Fantasizing about the visit is fine, but not out loud or by email to your partner. Instead, enjoy the excitement of the surprises to come.
• The Long Distance Relationship Guidebook is a well-balanced, practical book for couples in long distance relationships who need some guidance.
• Buy a webcam so you can chat face to face and see each other, so when you meet you will remember what they look like.
• Consider the fact that living far apart gives you both a chance to grow as individuals. Some couples break up to "find themselves", but in a long distance relationship you both have enough space to do your own things and still have a connection.

WARNING!!!

• Remember, every kind of relationship takes hard work and dedication to your loved one or partner, whether it's long distance or proximal. If you and your partner are willing to take these steps, then expect bumps and turns in the road. These bumps and turns will only help contribute towards a relationship.
• Long distance relationships are not for the faint of heart. They can be very trying - but so can proximal relationships.
• Long distance relationships can and will test you and your partner; you need to trust him/her entirely as paranoia can play a major part in the demise of your relationship. Also, these kinds of relationships can bring a lot of disappointment and heartache--depending on the time you spend away from each other it is VERY important that if you want this relationship to work you must make a great effort not to drift apart.
• Long distance relationships are difficult, as you are emotionally attached to a person you cannot touch or comfort (hug, kiss, hold hands), and this can hurt your heart and wreak havoc with your emotions. The only way to make these relationships work is if you and your partner honestly believe you will be able to survive without each other for a considerable amount of time without the need or desire to be with someone else.

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Is Your Relationships Emotionally Safe?

“Whatever,” “Fine,” “OK,” “Nothing”—these are just a few of the comments that people make when they are indifferent to some aspect of the relationship. Continued indifference is usually followed by apathy, then total withdrawal and then finally emotional as well as physical separation. All of these can have a devastating affect on communication, trust, respect, and even whether you like your partner.

If it is easier to hide your true feelings or beliefs than argue about them, you may have an un-safe relationship. What do I mean by a safe relationship? It is one without:

- judgments
- invalidation (see glossary)
- personal agendas
- retribution
- negatively delivered criticism
- blame
- psychological games

It takes time for people to realize that their relationship is not safe. If you have an un-safe relationship, you do not need to shed all of your opinions, beliefs, and values. However, if your partner feels as though it is necessary to tiptoe through the relationship, the relationship probably lacks true honesty and communication about feelings, fears, desires, or needs. I will also bet there are a lot of negative, non-verbal signals between both of you.

Everyone experiences fragile stages in their relationships from time to time. If, when your partner is experiencing one of these states, you choose to criticize them, I guarantee that they will defend themselves by either withdrawing or attacking. Both responses can lead to increased relationship stress and more hidden agendas.

A hidden agenda is when your partner wants to say something but doesn’t because they doesn’t want to hurt your feelings or just want to avoid conflict. Either way, communication suffers.

I have experienced indifferent feelings while in a relationship, and my partners have done the same with me. I can tell you that if these feelings of indifference are not dealt with, they will destroy the relationship. I did not say these feelings will END the relationship. Many destroyed relationships may actually last months or even years before their formal ending. How could a relationship be failing, when both people are acting as if it were fine? There are too many reasons to list, but it is generally for one of the following reasons:

1. Fear of the unknown: “I know what I have if I stay. If I leave, who knows what could happen in my life?”

2. Lost hope: “I guess this is the best I can do. No sense in trying again or starting over.”

3. Settling: “I’ll never get what I want in a partner.”

There are three choices everyone in a relationship can make:

1. Change your partner or his behavior.
2. Accept your partner and his behavior.
3. Leave the relationship.

You may be in between these three: You can’t change something, but won’t accept it; or you can’t accept something, but won’t leave. If you suffer from one of these variations, I guarantee you are putting yourself under a great deal of stress, and this stress just makes everything worse.

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Safe Relationship

In the depths of our souls we all yearn for love and connection with others. That yearning reflects a basic, even biological, human need. Infants, for example, thrive physically only when they feel deeply loved and cherished. As adults, we experience wrenching, soul-level loneliness when we don't have love and meaningful connection in our lives, yet all too frequently we don't have these things. Not with our parents or siblings, not with a mate, not even with a best friend.

We all intuitively know that the highest experience in life is the sharing of love. However, we often confuse the idea of sharing love with the idea of getting love. We try to get love when we feel empty inside and can share love only when we learn to first fill ourselves with love. We cannot share that which we do not have within. The wounded part of us seeks constantly to get love and avoid pain, resulting in an inability to share love. Until we each accept the full responsibility of becoming strong enough to love, we will not be able to share love. This means creating inner safety by learning how to love ourselves and take responsibility for our own feelings, so that we are not constantly trying to get love.

Most people have deep fears of rejection and abandonment, as well as of domination and engulfment. These fears stem from childhood experiences and from defining our worth externally through others' approval, rather than internally through spiritual eyes of truth. We will be unable to share our love to the fullest extent until we heal these fears of loss of other and of loss of self. We will be unable to create the safe relationship space in which to share love, and a safe world in which to live, until we learn how to create safety within. Inner Bonding is a profound process for healing our fears, creating safety within, and for creating safe relationship spaces, spaces where each person feels free to be fully themselves, to speak their truth and grow into their full potential.

It is possible in all relationships to create loving connection. Family, friends, co-workers, employers and employees, who are willing to learn the skills necessary to heal the blocks to connection can all create safe relationship spaces.

A relationship space is the environment in which the relationship is occurring. It is the energy created by the two people involved. I think of this environment, this relationship space, as an actual entity that both people are responsible for creating. It can be a safe relationship space, which is open, warm, light, and inviting, or it can be an unsafe relationship space, which is hard, dark, unforgiving, and full of fear. The kind of environment in which our relationship takes place is crucial to its success--or failure.

At the heart of all relationship issues is our intent. We are always choosing our intent, but most people are unconscious of the fact that they are making a choice each moment. At any given moment there are only two possible intents to choose from:

The intent to avoid painful feelings and responsibility for them, through some form of controlling behavior.

The intent to learn about loving ourselves and others and take full responsibility for our own feelings and behavior.

Every relationship has a system. The system may be open and loving, or controlling and unloving. Relationship systems start surprisingly early, sometimes within the first minutes or days of meeting.

A safe relationship space exists when two or more people intend to learn and are willing to take full personal responsibility for their own feelings, while accepting that their energy and behavior affects others. When both individuals fully accept that they are a part of an energy system, i.e., they recognize that each person's energy affects the other, and they are willing to take responsibility both for their own controlling behavior and for their responses to the controlling behavior of others, they create a safe relationship space. Such a space is a circle of loving energy that results from each person's deep desire to learn what is most loving to themselves and others. To create a safe relationship space, all persons involved need to be deeply committed to learning about their own controlling behavior, rather than focusing on what another is doing. Rather than giving themselves up to avoid rejection or attempting to get others to give themselves up to feel safe, each person is devoted to their own and the other's highest good, supporting themselves and each other in becoming all they can be.

Many of us have spent a great deal of time in unsafe relationship spaces. In fact, some of us have never experienced a safe relationship space because many, if not most, of us have not learned to create a safe inner space by staying in a loving Adult frame of mind when our fears are activated. When our fears of being rejected, abandoned, engulfed and controlled are triggered, most of us immediately retreat into our learned controlling behaviors. We may move our focus into our minds to avoid our feelings; we may attack, blame, defend, demand, explain, deny, judge, criticize, shut down, withdraw, resist, give in and comply, placate, lie, become overly nice, and so on. Of course, the moment we act out in controlling ways, our behavior may trigger another's fears of being rejected or controlled, and that person may then react in controlling ways as well, creating a vicious circle and an unsafe relationship space.

If, when these fears are activated, we focus on who is at fault or who started it, we perpetuate an unsafe relationship space. Blaming another for our fears (and for our own reactive, unloving behavior) makes the relationship space more unsafe than ever. Then both people in the relationship end up feeling bad, each of us believing that our pain is the result of the other person's behavior. We feel victimized, helpless, stuck, and disconnected from our partner. We desperately want the other person to see what they are doing that (we think) is causing our pain. We think that if the other person only understands this, they will change--and we exhaust ourselves trying to figure out how to make them understand.

Over time, being in an unsafe relationship space creates distance between the people involved. When we have not created a safe space in which to speak our complete, heartfelt truth about ourselves, the joy between us gradually dies. And the more we hold back our innermost feelings and experiences, the shallower our connection becomes. Our intimacy crumbles.

In friendships, marriages, and work relationships, our joy, electricity, and creativity get lost as we each give up parts of ourselves in an attempt to feel safe. In romantic relationships, passion dries up. Superficiality, boredom, fighting, and apathy take its place. We try valiantly to figure out what went wrong. But too often we ask, "What am I doing wrong?" or "What are you doing wrong?" rather than inquiring into the health of the relationship space itself.

Only when we look at the relationship space will we see what we are each doing to create the unsafe space. The dual fears of losing the other through rejection and losing ourselves through being swallowed up by the other are the underlying cause of our unloving, reactive behavior. These fears are deeply rooted. They cannot be healed or overcome by getting someone else's love. On the contrary, we must heal these fears before we can share love--give and receive love--with each other.

The key to doing this is learning how to create a safe inner space where we can work with and overcome our fears of rejection and engulfment. This is a process, not an event. Practicing the process of Inner Bonding gradually creates inner safety as we learn to take personal responsibility for our own feelings and behavior. Inner Bonding guides us in defining ourselves internally through the eyes of our personal spiritual guidance, instead of externally through performance, looks, and others' approval. In addition, it provides us with a clear process for conflict resolution that can be used in any relationship difficulty. Instead of love eroding with time, love deepens daily, supporting each person in the sacred journey of the soul's evolution.

Any two people who are willing to learn to create their own inner sense of safety can also learn to create a safe relationship space where their intimacy and passion will flourish and their love will endure.

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Sexual fitness makes a difference

Good sex has a lot to do with stamina, flexibility and blood flow. Thus, keeping yourself in general good health---by eating well and exercising regularly--may be the most important thing you do to keep sex alive as you age. Low-fat, high fiber eating in small amounts throughout the day can help you have more energy and ward off that sluggish, uncomfortable (I’d rather sleep than make love) feeling. And if you want choice in lovemaking positions and want to be physically spontaneous and intense at times, you will probably need to practice a variety of exercise styles. For instance, yoga for flexibility, weight training for strength, and aerobics for stamina. One recent study showed that a good workout on an exercise bike increased sexual interest in women more than a candlelit dinner. The more blood flow to your genitals, the healthier they will be and more you will feel.

But your biceps and thighs aren’t the only muscles in your body that need continued exercise and attention for good sex. You need to keep your pubococcygeus muscle--or PC muscle, for short-- in shape. In animals, the PC is the muscle that wags the tail. In women and men, it’s the muscle that contracts when we climax. The PC muscle is a hammock-like muscle that extends from the pubic bone to the coccyx (tail bone). Also known as the “love muscle”, the PC holds up our sex organs. When it is thick and strong it gives good support (and keeps us from peeing when we laugh or cough) and when it is weak, it can reduce pelvic blood flow and cause weak orgasms or no orgasms at all (not to mention more than a few stains in our underwear!)

To keep your PC muscle strong for enjoyable sex, you will need to exercise it frequently--ideally, daily, for the rest of your life! No, I’m not kidding. This one belongs right up there with flossing and bathing regularly. The standard PC exercise consists of TIGHTENING, HOLDING, and RELAXING the muscle over and over again--- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly,--- for up to 100 times a day. Also known as “kegel exercises” these PC exercises are effective in treating urinary incontinence and improving recovery after childbirth. Many women have told me that they experience stronger, longer-lasting orgasms when their PC’s are in shape. [Detailed descriptions of the kegel exercises can be found in many childbirth and women’s sexuality books.] PC exercises can be tedious and time-consuming. Women who do them regularly have learned to integrate them in with activities such as driving, talking on the phone, or watching TV. You may also find at times that a few sets of PC exercises will increase sexual arousal. Thus, they can be great to do when waiting for your lover to join you in bed or during a candlelit dinner.

Comfortable settings, comfortable vaginas
The older we get, the more we need to focus on being comfortable in sex. It can help to create settings for lovemaking and self-pleasuring that are relaxed and relatively stress free. Take the phone off the hook. Turn on some soft music. Give yourself lots of time. Make sure you have lots of privacy.

It’s important to identify what you need to feel more comfortable sexually and then give yourself permission take action. Mattie, a 52 year old, self-described hot and sexy midlifer, keeps a wide variety of different size and shape pillows near her bed. This way she has them handing when making love to prop up a hip or a lover’s head. Joan, a woman in her mid-forties, suddenly developed a self-consciousness about her own vaginal odor. This new anxiety made it difficult to touch herself at night. To remedy this she created a ritual of gently cleansing her vaginal opening and lips before retiring to bed.

But it’s not just external comforts you’ll need to address in active ways. You’ll need to be sensitive and responsive to how your body is feeling on the inside during sex, as well. Vaginal dryness and discomfort are concerns of many midlife women from time to time. It is natural for vaginal lubrication to diminish some as we age and fluctuate according to our levels of stress and hormonal changes.

Continuing to have sex when you feel uncomfortable inside could damage tissues, or at the very least, promote negative feelings about sex. Because menopausal women are more susceptible to bladder and vaginal infections, it’s a good idea to consult a health care professional to determine what is causing the discomfort and get you started on appropriate treatments. A lot of problems with vaginal dryness can be remedied by keeping lubricants, such as Astroglide and Creme de la femme, handy and using them liberally during lovemaking.

More serious problems with vaginal dryness and soreness can be effectively treated with hormone creams that are applied directly to the vaginal tissues. When Toby, a 49 year old who had been skipping periods for several years, consulted her doctor, she was surprised to learn that her vaginal discomfort and dryness problems could be traced to visible changes in the cushioning layers of her vagina. She went on a program of inserting .5 gram of estriol cream (from a compounding pharmacy) twice a week. It plumped up the tissues to where she rarely needs to use lubricant anymore. Toby says, “I feel like I’m 25 again. . . that is, on the inside, where it counts!”

It’s time for new thoughts and a few new moves
Keeping sex alive involves being able to make adjustments, as they are needed, in the way you think about sex and the way you experience it. We need to move away from thinking that we have to look a certain way (ie. like a Playboy bunny, or even like Goldie Hawn at 55) to be active and enjoy sex. Good sex is not a matter of how you look, but rather depends on how you feel and what you choose to do. Women of any age are sexy when we accept and appreciate our incredible bodies, and tune into enjoying touch and other sensual pleasures. Now is a great time to put on those silk sheets, light up in an assortment of scented candles, and spend an afternoon with your lover and a jar of chocolate body paint.

The willingness to be creative and open to new things is one of the best ways to keep sexuality alive for years. Studies show that the couples who have satisfying long-term sex lives are those who are open to experimentation. Novelty creates excitement. Anticipation builds arousal. We can go wild wondering what might happen next.

Vibrators, sex toys, erotica, and even romance novels, can add to excitement and help get the juices flowing. There are some new “natural contours” vibrators on the market that look like modern art and purr softly (and wouldn’t scare a grandchild who happened to find one lying about). [footnote, Natural Contours 1-800-456-LOVE; also, www.sexualhealth.com sells sex toys and vibrators on-line]. Romance writers, such as Susan Johnson (Blaze, Pure Sin), Nora Roberts (her Dream Trilogy), and Mary Jo Putney (her Silk Trilogy), offer stories of strong women with strong desires, and, thankfully, no shame. (You can also find inspirations in my best-selling anthologies of contemporary poetry: Passionate Hearts: The Poetry of Sexual Love and Intimate Kisses: The Poetry of Sexual Pleasure).

As physical problems surface now and then, having a variety of activities to choose from can enable us to stay sexually active. If one thing doesn’t work, you don’t roll over and go to sleep, you try something else. I recommend couples experiment with a “side-by-side” or “scissors” sexual position in which both partners are reclining next to each other rather than one person being on top of the other. (The man rolls on his side towards the woman. She lies on her back, and drapes one or both legs over his hips so he can enter from the side). These alternative positions can be less stressful when people are tired, stressed or their bodies ache for one reason or another.

Similarly, oral sex can become more important as we age. Men may slow down in their ability to get and maintain an erection. They often need more stimulation to inspire action and response. Erectile difficulties matter less when women have another option for sexual release. And, it’s important to know that men can climax even without becoming erect. Since many physical sexual problems are made worse by anxiety, exercising alternatives modes for mutual pleasure can hasten sexual recovery.

It’s a good idea to do a little soul searching when you are considering something new that you aren’t sure about. Rachel, a 52 year old woman who is actively dating says, “Whenever I come up with a new idea, be it wearing a shorter skirt or tickling my nipples in front of a new partner, I always ask myself first: Does this go against my personal values? Am I feeling healthy excitement or dreadful anxiety? While I want to be open to new things, I don’t want to do anything that will hurt me or anyone else.”

Sexual changes are inevitable but they are not insurmountable. With good information, medical interventions when needed, and a lively and creative approach to sexual sharing we can go on to enjoy this rewarding part of life for many years to come. With a gleam in her eyes, Alicia, a woman in her mid-fifties, told me: “I’m looking forward to being bolder and taking the lead more with my partner. I’m looking forward to our sexual relationship deepening. I’m looking forward to being more flouncy. I’m going to get a feather boa. I’m going to be a hussy!”

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Staying Hot and Sexy in Midlife

One day a few years ago, I was standing in line at a little bakery in Cannon Beach, Oregon thinking about the fact that I hadn’t had a period for months and worrying what that would mean for my sexuality. In front of me in line was a couple wearing matching blue jean jackets and hats, and barely able to keep their hands off each other. She had her arm around his waist under his jacket, rubbing up and down on his back, his hand gently massaged her butt. They giggled like school kids. Ah, young love, I thought to myself. Their sexual energy was palpable and I was more than a little envious. Just then they took off their hats and turned around. These young lovers, these school kids must have been at least 70-something! Her hair was white, his a distant memory. They were both wearing gold and turquoise jewelry against their wrinkled skin. And, oh, those smiles. Smiles that said “We had sex this morning!” That day in the bakery I had come face to face with a woman at least 25 years older than me and experienced first-hand the strength of her sexual energy. The experience went a long way towards reassuring me that, regardless of all the hormone and desire fluctuations of menopause, as a midlife woman my sexual future can be as bright as I choose to make it.

As a marriage therapist with over 20 years experience treating sex and intimacy concerns I know that maintaining a good sex life has a lot to do with getting accurate information about what’s going on, developing positive attitudes, having access to helpful interventions, and learning new behaviors that can be put into play when needed. The biggest thing we have to fear is not the natural sexual change that our bodies go through, but the tendency many of us have to ignore sexual concerns, due to feeling embarrassed about sex. Our self-inflicted isolation can produce a lot of needless suffering and missed opportunities for pleasure. Several years ago (following my experience in the Cannon Beach bakery no doubt), I became fascinated with researching and passing on to other women, the secrets to staying sexually vibrant forever. Here are a few key ideas that can I discovered can empower all women who want to stay hot and sexy forever. Sex is ageless
Unlike other species, we humans have a sexuality that can last way beyond the years of fertility and procreation. In fact, barring serious health problems, we have the ability to stay sexually active (with or without a partner) until we die. Freda, an 87-year-old poet, told me that she enjoys pleasuring herself to orgasm everyday imagining a man with an big erection wanting to make love to her. “You never lose your fancies,” Freda chuckled, “Your fancies never die.” Numerous sexuality surveys reveal that many people in their 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond, continue to enjoy sex regularly. One third of post menopause women report no change in their sex lives, and another third say their sexual experiences have actually improved with age. Consider: no messy periods, more privacy at home, more time to develop intimacy and enjoy sensual moments.

Women who report a decrease in sexual satisfaction, usually attribute this change for the worse to vaginal dryness, lack of a partner, health problems, and relationship difficulties (including sexual problems the partner is experiencing, such as impotence). Sometimes problems result when estrogen hormone levels fall and produce symptoms, such as night sweats, hot flashes, skin sensitivity and vaginal atrophy which interfere with sexual enjoyment. Similarly, unusually low levels of testosterone can decrease sexual fantasies and diminish desire. (A wide variety of traditional and alternative medicine options now exist for addressing these concerns.) We humans have the privilege of being a species who can, theoretically, continue to experience different stages of sexual arousal, such as, excitement and orgasm, indefinitely. As with any physical response (be it seeing, hearing or jumping rope), though, we can expect some gradual slowing down and natural weakening as time goes on. Actor Jack Lemmon once quipped, “After a certain age, I found out not only did it take twice as long to rev up my motor, but it stalled frequently.” The trick is to learn to accept and adjust to changes rather than giving up on sex altogether because it’s different than it was when we were younger. Midlife actress Mae West once said, “Fifty men outside? I’m feeling a little tired. Send ten of them home.” Sexual fitness makes a difference
Good sex has a lot to do with stamina, flexibility and blood flow. Thus, keeping yourself in general good health---by eating well and exercising regularly--may be the most important thing you do to keep sex alive as you age. Low-fat, high fiber eating in small amounts throughout the day can help you have more energy and ward off that sluggish, uncomfortable (I’d rather sleep than make love) feeling. And if you want choice in lovemaking positions and want to be physically spontaneous and intense at times, you will probably need to practice a variety of exercise styles. For instance, yoga for flexibility, weight training for strength, and aerobics for stamina. One recent study showed that a good workout on an exercise bike increased sexual interest in women more than a candlelit dinner. The more blood flow to your genitals, the healthier they will be and more you will feel.
But your biceps and thighs aren’t the only muscles in your body that need continued exercise and attention for good sex. You need to keep your pubococcygeus muscle--or PC muscle, for short-- in shape. In animals, the PC is the muscle that wags the tail. In women and men, it’s the muscle that contracts when we climax. The PC muscle is a hammock-like muscle that extends from the pubic bone to the coccyx (tail bone). Also known as the “love muscle”, the PC holds up our sex organs. When it is thick and strong it gives good support (and keeps us from peeing when we laugh or cough) and when it is weak, it can reduce pelvic blood flow and cause weak orgasms or no orgasms at all (not to mention more than a few stains in our underwear!) To keep your PC muscle strong for enjoyable sex, you will need to exercise it frequently--ideally, daily, for the rest of your life! No, I’m not kidding. This one belongs right up there with flossing and bathing regularly. The standard PC exercise consists of TIGHTENING, HOLDING, and RELAXING the muscle over and over again--- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly,--- for up to 100 times a day. Also known as “kegel exercises” these PC exercises are effective in treating urinary incontinence and improving recovery after childbirth. Many women have told me that they experience stronger, longer-lasting orgasms when their PC’s are in shape. [Detailed descriptions of the kegel exercises can be found in many childbirth and women’s sexuality books.] PC exercises can be tedious and time-consuming. Women who do them regularly have learned to integrate them in with activities such as driving, talking on the phone, or watching TV. You may also find at times that a few sets of PC exercises will increase sexual arousal. Thus, they can be great to do when waiting for your lover to join you in bed or during a candlelit dinner. Comfortable settings, comfortable vaginas
The older we get, the more we need to focus on being comfortable in sex. It can help to create settings for lovemaking and self-pleasuring that are relaxed and relatively stress free. Take the phone off the hook. Turn on some soft music. Give yourself lots of time. Make sure you have lots of privacy.

It’s important to identify what you need to feel more comfortable sexually and then give yourself permission take action. Mattie, a 52 year old, self-described hot and sexy midlifer, keeps a wide variety of different size and shape pillows near her bed. This way she has them handing when making love to prop up a hip or a lover’s head. Joan, a woman in her mid-forties, suddenly developed a self-consciousness about her own vaginal odor. This new anxiety made it difficult to touch herself at night. To remedy this she created a ritual of gently cleansing her vaginal opening and lips before retiring to bed.

But it’s not just external comforts you’ll need to address in active ways. You’ll need to be sensitive and responsive to how your body is feeling on the inside during sex, as well. Vaginal dryness and discomfort are concerns of many midlife women from time to time. It is natural for vaginal lubrication to diminish some as we age and fluctuate according to our levels of stress and hormonal changes. Continuing to have sex when you feel uncomfortable inside could damage tissues, or at the very least, promote negative feelings about sex. Because menopausal women are more susceptible to bladder and vaginal infections, it’s a good idea to consult a health care professional to determine what is causing the discomfort and get you started on appropriate treatments. A lot of problems with vaginal dryness can be remedied by keeping lubricants, such as Astroglide and Creme de la femme, handy and using them liberally during lovemaking.

More serious problems with vaginal dryness and soreness can be effectively treated with hormone creams that are applied directly to the vaginal tissues. When Toby, a 49 year old who had been skipping periods for several years, consulted her doctor, she was surprised to learn that her vaginal discomfort and dryness problems could be traced to visible changes in the cushioning layers of her vagina. She went on a program of inserting .5 gram of estriol cream (from a compounding pharmacy) twice a week. It plumped up the tissues to where she rarely needs to use lubricant anymore. Toby says, “I feel like I’m 25 again. . . that is, on the inside, where it counts!” It’s time for new thoughts and a few new moves
Keeping sex alive involves being able to make adjustments, as they are needed, in the way you think about sex and the way you experience it. We need to move away from thinking that we have to look a certain way (ie. like a Playboy bunny, or even like Goldie Hawn at 55) to be active and enjoy sex. Good sex is not a matter of how you look, but rather depends on how you feel and what you choose to do. Women of any age are sexy when we accept and appreciate our incredible bodies, and tune into enjoying touch and other sensual pleasures. Now is a great time to put on those silk sheets, light up in an assortment of scented candles, and spend an afternoon with your lover and a jar of chocolate body paint. The willingness to be creative and open to new things is one of the best ways to keep sexuality alive for years. Studies show that the couples who have satisfying long-term sex lives are those who are open to experimentation. Novelty creates excitement. Anticipation builds arousal. We can go wild wondering what might happen next.

Vibrators, sex toys, erotica, and even romance novels, can add to excitement and help get the juices flowing. There are some new “natural contours” vibrators on the market that look like modern art and purr softly (and wouldn’t scare a grandchild who happened to find one lying about). [footnote, Natural Contours 1-800-456-LOVE; also, www.sexualhealth.com sells sex toys and vibrators on-line]. Romance writers, such as Susan Johnson (Blaze, Pure Sin), Nora Roberts (her Dream Trilogy), and Mary Jo Putney (her Silk Trilogy), offer stories of strong women with strong desires, and, thankfully, no shame. (You can also find inspirations in my best-selling anthologies of contemporary poetry: Passionate Hearts: The Poetry of Sexual Love and Intimate Kisses: The Poetry of Sexual Pleasure). As physical problems surface now and then, having a variety of activities to choose from can enable us to stay sexually active. If one thing doesn’t work, you don’t roll over and go to sleep, you try something else. I recommend couples experiment with a “side-by-side” or “scissors” sexual position in which both partners are reclining next to each other rather than one person being on top of the other. (The man rolls on his side towards the woman. She lies on her back, and drapes one or both legs over his hips so he can enter from the side). These alternative positions can be less stressful when people are tired, stressed or their bodies ache for one reason or another. Similarly, oral sex can become more important as we age. Men may slow down in their ability to get and maintain an erection. They often need more stimulation to inspire action and response. Erectile difficulties matter less when women have another option for sexual release. And, it’s important to know that men can climax even without becoming erect. Since many physical sexual problems are made worse by anxiety, exercising alternatives modes for mutual pleasure can hasten sexual recovery.

It’s a good idea to do a little soul searching when you are considering something new that you aren’t sure about. Rachel, a 52 year old woman who is actively dating says, “Whenever I come up with a new idea, be it wearing a shorter skirt or tickling my nipples in front of a new partner, I always ask myself first: Does this go against my personal values? Am I feeling healthy excitement or dreadful anxiety? While I want to be open to new things, I don’t want to do anything that will hurt me or anyone else.” Sexual changes are inevitable but they are not insurmountable. With good information, medical interventions when needed, and a lively and creative approach to sexual sharing we can go on to enjoy this rewarding part of life for many years to come. With a gleam in her eyes, Alicia, a woman in her mid-fifties, told me: “I’m looking forward to being bolder and taking the lead more with my partner. I’m looking forward to our sexual relationship deepening. I’m looking forward to being more flouncy. I’m going to get a feather boa. I’m going to be a hussy!

by : Wendy Maltz LCSW

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8 tips for a better marriage

1. Conflict is your friend. There are differences in every relationship - what makes or breaks a marriage is how partners choose to resolve those conflicts. Ignoring them is not the solution. That would be like ignoring cancer in the hope that it will go away by itself. Actually when conflicts are resolved successfully, the relationship can move to an even higher level of stability and intimacy. Use the following tips to resolve conflicts in your marriage.

2. Listen with empathy. Empathy is your ability to see things from your partner's perspective. Listen to your partner and tune in to his/her feelings. Whatever your partner is feeling "makes sense" from his or her perspective. When you start to "get it", you will know not only what your partner is feeling - you will also understand why. You are ready for the next step.

3. Respond with empathy. Tell your partner what you think he/she is feeling based on what you've heard. For example, your partner tells you about frustration at your lack of support. However you sense not just frustration, but anger as well. So you respond, "You're frustrated about my not being there for you, and this makes you really angry, too." If you didn't get it right, your partner will tell you and you can correct your response.

4. Make it sweet. Nobody likes to be scolded. So to avoid provoking a "fight or flight" reaction from your mate, always include the positive. Angry because your mate is not spending enough time with you? The reason you're so angry is because you care so much about your partner and your relationship. Express those feelings of love as strongly as you can! That sweetness will make what follows a lot easier to swallow.

5. Talk about your feelings - not your mate's failure. "When I came home from work yesterday I really wanted to talk to you about what happened. When I wasn't able to I felt totally alone." Stating it this way is much more likely to get a positive response from your mate than "You're never there when I need you."

6. Look for win-win solutions. Don't settle for a compromise "lose-lose" solution. In an atmosphere of love and trust, couples can come up with creative solutions that are satisfying to both partners.

7. Plan. Once you've come up with an idea, plan out the details carefully so that it is clearly understood. You may even want to write out the details, including what to do if the unforeseen prevents you from following through. For example, maybe your solution is to spend every Saturday afternoon going for a quiet walk together. What will you do if an emergency comes up? Will you skip the walk until the following week or reschedule it for during the week?

8. Follow-up. Remind one another of your solution and check on a regular basis to see how it is working. If necessary, discuss the situation again and review the results of your first solution. Make adjustments and try again.

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10 Signs He’s Into You

1. He Calls for No Reason
   "Hi, what are you up to?"; "I thought I'd let you know I made a reservation for dinner as I said I would and it's at 8 o'clock like we agreed" are the kind of comments that give away the real motive for this kind of call; he misses you; is head over heels for you and; can't go one more second without speaking to you. While you talk he ignores all incoming calls and signs off "I can't wait to see you again." Give him extra points for thoughtfulness if he calls you at work and is sensitive enough to realise you can't chat so he says "I won't keep you because I know you're busy but I just needed to hear your voice."
   
   2. He Turns Up On Time
   When he says he's going to be there on the dot at 8pm, he's never more than a few minutes late. And on the rare occasion he is held up he pays you the courtesy of calling so you don't have to needlessly rush to get ready. This kind of punctuality might seem an insignificant thing - but it speaks volumes about his respect for you. It shows that he cares about what you think of him so he wants to demonstrate he's reliable.
   
   3. He Tunes In To Your Every Word
   When you're in a mid conversation at the cafe he doesn't play with the fork nor is he distracted by the conversation at the next table. His eyes barely leave your face because he is hanging on every thing you say. He doesn't dominate the discussion by interrupting, finishing your sentences or taking the conversation in a new direction. He is genuinely listening! It is clear in the way he laughs sincerely when you tell him something funny and responds to what you are saying by giving you is opinions on the subject, making helpful suggestions and sharing his own similar stories.
   
   4. His Friends Know All About You
   And it's not just the usual body talk like how gorgeous you are or what bra size you wear. They know what car you drive, what you do for a living, that you love japanese food but can't drink red wine because you get a rash. It's not like thay've been asking for these details - it's just that he can't stop talking about you 24/7!
   
   5. He Brings Up the "F" Word
   Not that one - the other F word - fidelity. Just when you're worried that he might think you're dating with no strings attached he says "I want to be clear what we're doing here - I want us to be boyfriend and girlfriend and to me that means being faithful to each other. Do you feel the same way?" With an enormous sense of relief and elation you say "yes" to being his girl and as you kiss passionately and each pledge fidelity, your mutual trust and intimacy immediately grows. It's official: He considers you a couple.
   
   6. He Takes an Interest in Your Interests
   When a guy falls for you in a big way he'll want to know everything about you and that includes a full understanding of your likes and dislikes. If your hobby is collecting retro furniture he'll have the good grace to feign interest when you spend all afternoon scouring second hand shops - although he'd rather be home working on his car. Don't worry - he's not becoming a "yes" man - he's simply trying to get closer to you in every part of your life - and sharing your interests is an obvious way to do it.
   
   7. He Gives You a Key to His Place
   Not only does this gesture shout "I trust you" it also shows that he's certain you're going to be in the picture for a long time to come. Men are often very protective about their domestic domain. They may hold off taking a new girlfriend to their flat in case she thinks the decor is daggy or starts thinking that maybe he's hinting he'd like her to move in when that's the last thing on his mind. In light of this, being given the key to his place is like passing an intimation ceremony - now that your relationship has graduated to the next level he is letting go of his bachelor ways and saying "what's mine is yours".
   
   8. After Sex He Wants to Cuddle and Chat
   No rolling onto his side the second he climaxes and no quick descent into snoresville after a perfuntory cuddle. Instead, the afterglow of sex is charged with emotion, touching and intimate disclosures. He wants to know if you had a great climax and wants to tell you how the earth moved for him as well. Chances are he's already desiring to make love to you again. Or if he's too tired to he'll hold you, stroke your face and nuzzle your neck while the conversation is incredibly intimate.
   
   9. He's Nice to Your Friends
   From the moment he met your friends he made an effort to remember all their names. Now that you've been dating a while, he's considered one of the gang. He talks to your pals about everything from boy troubles to cramps and makes an effort to say all the right things. He'll also hassle your shy single friends to get up and dance with the two of you so they can enjoy a spin on the floor without feeling like fair game. Don't presume that being such a SNAG is his second nature - any man who makes an effort to win over his girlfriend's posse wants to keep her happy and to be around her as much as he possibly can.
   
   10. He Asks for Your Opinion
   In just about every decision he makes - from which shirt to wear to a job interview to which kind of car he should buy, he solicits your opinion. This indicates that he respects what you have to say and that he believes you not only have good judgement but have skills, abilities and insights that can help him, improve his life.

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