Secret to feeling sexy: It's all in the mind

By Meghan Daum

Sexiness, like love or nostalgia or sinus congestion on a pollen-free day, has a way of sneaking up on us at the most improbable moments.

How do we account, for example, for that ineluctable feeling of desirability that can come over us when we are traipsing home from the yoga studio in sweaty leggings and flip-flops that reveal more about our pedicure history than we'd like? And how, by the same token, do we explain the ease with which many of us can slip into our most reliably fabulous Balenciaga dress and Louboutin slides and still feel as sexy as a bag of carrots?

There are, of course, as many reasons for this cruel dichotomy as there are ways to feel bad about ourselves.

We can blame hormones, headaches, pimples, bloating, bad moods, bad hair, or bad lighting. We must also consider what it is we're staring into. Mirrors, as all women know, are highly politicized entities. For reasons that I am convinced are more complicated than national health care, it is entirely possible for me to look and feel reasonably hot in front of my own mirror and, less than an hour later, catch a reflection of myself that suggests some shapeless creature from Jim Henson's workshop has borrowed my outfit and copied my hairstyle, and is blithely chatting up my friends, all of whom are too polite to say anything.

There have, of course, been times when I have felt almost unbearably sexy for no apparent or justifiable reason: retrieving the newspaper in pajamas and clogs, standing over the kitchen sink washing dishes, pondering the produce selection at Whole Foods. None of these occasions led to or had anything to do with an actual sex act.

In other words, let's get one thing very clear: The phenomenon I'm discussing has to do with sexiness, not horniness. There is a sizable, if nuanced, distinction. If this were the analogy portion of the SAT, we might say that sexiness is to horniness as epicureanism is to hunger. Whereas lust tends to limit its reach to particular people or stretches of time (and, like hunger, can presumably be sated via fairly standard channels), sexiness is a state of mind. It is inextricably linked to sex as a concept but wholly separate from fornication. Despite our preoccupation with the sexiness of women, sexiness applies to both genders. Despite the youth-centric tyranny of our times, it transcends age. As much about posture and voice intonation as it is about cleavage or skirt length or the dimensions of our posteriors, feeling sexy is, at its root, about owning ourselves. It's being at home in our own skins. No wonder it is so damn elusive.

After all, pretty much anyone can have sex.

Capturing the essence of sex and customizing it to our own needs and tastes is more difficult. Hence, another analogy: Having sex is to being sexy what conceiving a child is to raising a child. The first, age and health permitting, is more or less a biological function. The second is an art: a complicated, ever-evolving process that no two people can possibly do the same way. And just as the parents who are most successful at child rearing are often those who pay the least attention to its fads (heated diaper wipes) and socially constructed paranoias (the idea that the child will suffer due to unheated diaper wipes), women who possess an innate eroticism tend to do the least amount of worrying about how they measure up to popular images of sexiness.

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Can’t quit your ex? How to say goodbye for good

By Dr. Laura Berman

The beginning of summer is always ripe with barbecues, graduations and weddings. Although these get-togethers often happily reunite us with family and friends, they also tend to unhappily reunite us with our exes of yesteryear. Indeed, even with all we have learned from painful breakups, some of us simply cannot resist the temptation of reconnecting with an old flame. And when that old flame is front row and center at a mutual friend’s wedding, the temptation becomes even more irresistible.

If this pattern of “making up and breaking up” sounds familiar to you, you might be part of a revolving-door relationship. Much like a revolving door, your relationship with your ex is never stagnant — he is always on the way into your heart or on the way out.

Your family and friends have heard the many dramas of your relationship with your ex more times than they would like to count, and although you know you sound like a broken record, something always pulls you back into the relationship. The revolving door whooshes again, and you are back in the middle of the broken (and breaking) relationship.

How can you stop this pattern once and for all, especially in the middle of summer social activities?

Change your pattern. When relationships get stuck in a revolving rut, it is generally because our lives are stuck in a revolving rut. By changing your routine, you can change your point of view and end a make-up and break-up cycle. How can you do this? Explore different activities, go to new restaurants, spend time with old friends, or even go on a much-needed vacation. Figure out what is keeping your life in stalemate (chances are that it isn’t just your relationship) and then make a change.

Figure out why you are relying on a broken relationship. You know that your ex isn’t good for you, and you know that you aren’t good for your ex. So why do you keep returning to each other? Don’t fool yourself into thinking that love alone is driving your revolving door, as there are generally a myriad of different emotions driving your decision process. Figuring out these emotions and deciphering what is truly driving you to be in a broken relationship will help you stop the destructive pattern.

Sit down and write down the emotions that come to your mind when you think about breaking up with your ex for good. Whether you are jealous at the thought of seeing your ex with someone new, nostalgic at the thought of losing a close friend, or terrified at the thought of being alone and dating again, you might be surprised to discover that your list isn’t built upon love alone. Of course, all of the above emotions are valid and sincere emotions — but that doesn’t mean that you can build a loving, lasting relationship upon them.

Talk about it with a professional. Breakups are often seen as something most people can make it through on their own. However, most people tend to assuage their broken hearts through self-medicating with destructive behaviors like drinking, one-night stands, angry late-night phone calls to their ex, etc. Losing someone you love through a breakup or a divorce is heartbreaking, and trying to go it alone can be overwhelming. This is why so many people get stuck in a revolving-door cycle, as being alone can be so painful that people would rather be in a bad relationship. A counselor can help you make smarter choices, and give you what you need the most: an unbiased listener.

Finally, it might be helpful to keep two lists on hand with you at all times — one list to remind you why the relationship can’t work (he doesn’t want kids, you don’t share similar life goals, etc.), and one list to remind you why you are content and complete as you are (you love the freedom to meet new people, you have a wonderful network of friends and family, etc.).

Rely on this network as you go through this difficult time, and allow yourself the freedom to be sad, mad, lonely and so on. As the emotions move through you, they will slowly lose their potency, and you will be ready to say goodbye to your ex and move on to a happy, healthy new relationship.

Dr. Laura Berman is the director of the Berman Center in Chicago, a specialized health care facility dedicated to helping women and couples find fulfilling sex lives and enriched relationships. She is also an assistant clinical professor of OB-GYN and psychiatry at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University. She has been working as a sex educator, researcher and therapist for 18 years.

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Organist walks out on priest's anti-gay marriage appeal.

by Philocrites

Today's Boston Globe tells the story of a brave Roman Catholic cantor and church organist who lost their jobs for challenging an archdiocesan official's anti-gay marriage pulpit appeal. Maria Cramer reports:

At the pulpit of St. Gabriel Church in Brighton, an official from the Catholic Archdiocese of Boston was telling parishioners how to sign a petition to ban same-sex marriage in Massachusetts.

As he looked on, said Patrick Kilduff, the church's organist for 28 years, he grew angry that the archdiocese had chosen a Saturday Mass to make what he considered a political statement.

So before he was supposed to play the closing hymn of the Mass on Oct. 8 , Kilduff walked away from his organ in protest. His cantor, Colleen Bryant, stood in front of the congregation and told them that they did not have to sign the petition if they did not want to.

Moments later on that rainy Saturday afternoon, the church pastor fired Bryant, and Kilduff resigned in a fury.

In an interview yesterday, Kilduff recalled telling the priests of the parish: "'I'm done. I can't believe what you guys have done.'"

I'd be surprised if a few more church musicians don't discover that the church's campaign against gay rights creates an irreconcilable conflict for them on a personal level. After all, many talented and faithful church musicians are gay, and it would be hard to be a church musician who doesn't know, care about, and deeply respect gay colleagues.

Here's to Kilduff and Bryant's courage.

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Saying 'I do' to marriage

by Edwin Meese, III and Matthew Spalding, Ph.D.

Some have cold feet. Others are indecisive. Many would rather avoid the issue.

Are we willing to amend the U.S. Constitution to preserve the institution of marriage? The question will come before the Senate this week when members debate and vote on whether to consider a constitutional amendment that protects marriage between a man and a woman.

It's not clear what several key senators will do. They say marriage should be between one man and one woman. But they're reluctant to amend the Constitution. They probably think the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act, or DOMA, is enough to protect marriage.

That argument made sense eight years ago. Judges in Hawaii declared the state's marriage statute was "sex discrimination" and violated the Hawaii constitution. That's when Congress overwhelmingly passed DOMA, signed by President Clinton, that defines marriage for purposes of federal law as the union of one man and one woman, and clarifies that the "full faith and credit" clause of the U.S. Constitution does not require that states be forced to recognize as a marriage any union other than that of one man and one woman.

But two U.S. Supreme Court cases changed all that. In Romer vs. Evans, the court declared a state constitutional amendment unconstitutional because it was "born of animosity" toward homosexuals and violated equal protection under the U.S. Constitution. And in Lawrence vs. Texas, the court declared that all individuals have a due process right to "seek autonomy" in their private relationships, including "personal decisions relating to marriage."

Last November, the Massachusetts Supreme Court ran with these ideas when it ruled traditional marriage "is rooted in persistent prejudices" and that homosexual couples are legally entitled to marriage under the state constitution. Massachusetts now has issued more than 2,500 "marriage" licenses to same-sex couples from 27 states and the District of Columbia, creating legal standing to challenge DOMA nationwide.

The effect of all these decisions, and the litigation strategy behind them, is now clear: establish same-sex "marriage" as a civil right the federal government will then have a constitutional obligation to secure nationwide.
Is it likely DOMA will withstand this judicial juggernaut? Under normal circumstances, the answer would be yes. Congress has the power under Article IV to prescribe the effect of the "full faith and credit" clause. But DOMA won't survive activist judges bent on using dubious interpretations of equal protection or due process to advance their policy objectives. "You'd have to be tone deaf," says Harvard law professor Lawrence Tribe, "not to get the message from Lawrence that anything that invites people to give same-sex couples less than full respect is constitutionally suspect." Just read the latest issue of the prestigious Harvard Law Review, the journal of record in elite legal circles: "Now the time is ripe for a constitutional challenge to DOMA." Why? Allegedly DOMA was motivated by animus, violates equal protection principles and is incompatible with substantive due process. The first challenge to the constitutionality of DOMA has been filed in a Florida federal court, arguing DOMA not only abuses full faith and credit but, more importantly, violates the equal protection guarantee of the U.S. Constitution. In the face of this challenge, it's not only reasonable but obligatory that marriage be preferred and defended in the law — and protected in the Constitution. This doesn't mean marriage must be completely nationalized or regulated by the federal government. The Framers rightly left marriage policy with the states. But we can protect the states' liberty to regulate marriage, in accord with the principles of federalism, only by acting to prevent the institution itself from being redefined out of existence or abolished altogether. This is a time for choosing. One option is to allow a few radical judges to redefine marriage by legal fiat, according to their notions of social progress. By circumventing the legislative process and excluding the people from so fundamental a decision, these judges threaten our democracy and the rule of law. The other option – this week in the hands of the U.S. Senate – is to proceed with the democratic process of amending the Constitution to reflect the settled will of the people. Nothing less than the future of our society, and the course of constitutional government in the United States, are at stake.

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How to Handle Jealousy

Many pepole feel jealous from time to time. Jeaousy is easy to deal with, once you understand what it's teaching you. Here are some pointers on working through your emosions and feelings of jealousy.

STEPS

1. Understand the emotions. Jealousy is a combination of fear and anger; a fear of losing something, and anger that someone is "moving in on" something that you feel belongs only to you.
2. Allow yourself to actually 'feel' the emotion in a healthy way. When you start feeling jealous, ask yourself: is it more fear based, or more anger based? Recognize which part of your body is being affected. If you feel a dropping or clutching sensation in your stomach, it’s probably fear. If you feel a burning, tight sensation in your shoulders and jaw, then you’re likely feeling anger. You might also feel a combination of those sensations.
3. Communicate your feelings. Sharing your true feelings with someone without blaming them can create a deep sense of connection between the two of you and open up a dialogue about the path of your relationship. Use "I" instead of "You". Instead of saying, "you shouldn't have done that", say, "I felt terrible when you did that."
4. Identify what your jealousy is teaching you. Jealousy can alert you to what you want, and what is important to you. If you’re jealous of someone talking to a friend of yours, personal relationships may be important to you. If you’re jealous about money, you may have an underlying need for security or freedom. Ask yourself, "Why am I jealous over this? What is making me jealous? What am I trying to keep? Why do I feel threatened?" When you begin to understand what makes you jealous, you can begin to take positive steps to maintain those things, without the cloud of negative emotion that accompanies jealousy.
5. Change any false beliefs that might cause jealousy. There are often false beliefs that underlie jealousy and fuel emotion. If you examine the belief, many times, you can eliminate the jealousy. Some common underlying beliefs are “Everyone is out to get my money.” or “If this person leaves me, I won't have any friends.” Beliefs are changeable. If you change your belief, you change the way you feel. Choose to tell yourself a belief that is nurturing and supportive, and you’ll feel better. When you begin taking steps to creating a happy and fulfilling life for yourself, you will find the anger, the jealousy and the fear will disappear.Dont listen to people who make you jealous.

TIPS

• Jealousy is not the same thing as love. Sometimes, people think that by feeling jealous about someone, they are loving them. Jealousy is not love, it’s the fear and anger of losing love. Jealousy disappears when you are truly loving yourself and others for whatever experience you’re having.
• Learn to be happy with yourself and what you have. Everyone is different and each person has their good and bad qualities. Realize that you have the potential to create a better future.
• Try to talk about your problems with someone. Perhaps you feel that these jealous tendencies are a private matter; then, you ought to anonymously ask an advice column or similar construct about your problem.
• Irrational jealousy usually stems from your own insecurities and low self-esteem. Address these issues first.
• Be happy for the other person. Jealousy can represent that "I like that, it would be nice to have that thing or experience". When you can be happy for another person's success and happiness, you are allowing positive feelings to flow into your life. Instead of being angry, congratulate the other person.

WARNING

• If jealousy in your relationship is leading to control or power struggles, it's a sign that there is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

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How to Maintain Romance

There is so much more involved in keeping romance alive than just candles, bubble baths, and foot massages. You each have to work at it in order to maintain and enjoy romance in your life. Here is how to feed the romantic fires in your relationship in a deep and meaningful way.

STEPS

1. Tell the truth. Truth is the ultimate aphrodisiac and a great way to create connection with your partner. For example, you might say "I feel safe when I am with you" or "Sometimes I feel scared that we get so busy with other things that we forget about creating close moments together, but I really want to be close with you." Just share your true feelings and speak from your experience. If you are concealing in your relationship, you will not feel connected, so consider making truth an ongoing priority in your life.
2. Appreciate yourself and your partner. Appreciation means "to grow in value, or to be sensitively aware of." Take time to understand just what it is that you like about yourself, and your partner. Saying for example, "I am doing a good job as a parent by taking time to hug the kids in the morning before they go off to school." or "I really appreciate how dedicated you are to your job." Successful relationships have a 5 to 1 ratio of appreciations to criticisms, so if you really want to heat up your relationship, start appreciating!
3. Listen. All humans crave being seen and heard. Being with your partner, and really listening to them can be magical for you both. Often, we want to fix their problems, but it is much more powerful to listen. Saying, "Wow, I can understand you are frustrated." or "That must have been hard on you." Let your partner know you're hearing them.
4. Create romance within yourself first. We often try to "get" our partners to be more romantic by believing we need to change them in order to have what we want. The truth is that you are much more likely to have what you want when 'you' show up in that way. For example, create your own romantic mood--dress, put on music, prepare sensuous foods, take some time to love and appreciate yourself. It will not take long for your partner to join in the fun!
5. Ask for what you want. Let your partner know that you are deeply interested in spending some romantic time with them (You would be surprised at how often they are unaware of this.) Whining, demanding, and manipulating are contrary to creating romance, so do your best to ask using kind and loving words.
6. Bring play back into your relationship. Levity is a sexy thing. If you are stuck in thoughts of how much housework you have to do, or that you might wake the kids, more than likely you will not feel romantic. Laugh about the ways that you take your self out of a romantic mood, and soon, you will be back in it.
7. Speak your partner's love language. We often become confused and disappointed by expecting the other person to do such and such romantic things. Do to your partner the things they like as well as you telling them what 'you' like, want, and expect. When you fulfill their needs and desires, you will end up receiving the same in return!
8. Accept each other unconditionally, respect each others wishes and dislikes. Keep the mystery and fascination to each other. Love each moment as if it is the last.

TIPS

• Communicate with your partner about what each of you wants in the area of romance, without making the other person feel wrong for their desires. One may want less romance, the other may want more, however by communicating, each can have what they want, it just may not look the way you think it is supposed to. For example, how could you create a romantic evening just for yourself? (This is a really powerful step to creating a life of joy!)
• Portions of this article are based on the works of Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks

WARNING

• Many couples will subconsciously create an argument just when there is an opportunity for romance. This happens because we have conditioned ourselves to avoid intimate connection. We are afraid of being hurt when we are most open and vulnerable, thus we shut down without even realizing we are doing it. When this happens, take notice, without judging yourself or your partner. Instead try once more to spark a connection by using the steps above.
• Being sarcastic with the one you love is not romantic or funny, unless both partners realize the mood.

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How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work

It's hard enough to make local relationships work, but having miles, States, and sometimes even an ocean between you makes it even more difficult. However, successful long distance relationships can and do exist. Here's how to give yours every chance to survive and thrive.

STEPS

1. Ask the important questions at the onset, to make sure you are both clear on the parameters of the relationship. These can be difficult and awkward questions to ask, but will save you great heartache and misunderstanding down the line. Example: "Are you open to the possibility of relocating if the relationship should become more serious?"
2. Communicate in some way every day, more than once if possible. Since you won't be seeing each other, it's important to establish and maintain an emotional connection. These don't have to be long, in-depth conversations (though those should occur sometimes). Tell each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask for advice. Use an instant messenger program or VoIP for real-time chat, or web cams for that visual connection, but while instant messaging and e-mails play a large role in long distance relationships, remember that they can in no way replace verbal communication. E-mail is great so make sure you use it, especially if long-distance phone calls put a strain on your budget.(Even though phone calls might get a little too expensive, there are special cards if you are to call each other from different countries, there will be no problems with costs since it is very cheap. We highly recommend you get one of those cards, it will be a lot cheaper and from experience E-mail and instant messages makes it easier to misunderstand each other.) Write love letters. Send small gifts or flowers for no reason. In this case, quantity is as important as quality. You may discover an advantage over others whose partner is close at hand - you don't take communication for granted!
3. Take advantage of the benefits a long distance relationship offers: more time with friends and/or family, no arguments over toothpaste caps, the pleasure of seeing your sweetheart again after a long absence, time to mull your options (rather than snapping at your partner impulsively) before you respond to that email s/he wrote that seemed so rude the first time you read it, etc. Most important, being far apart gives you a chance to maintain your individuality - something that can get lost in the shuffle when couples spend all their free time together.
4. Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart. If there's a movie you're both interested in seeing, watch it individually and then call each other afterward and talk about it. Read a certain book at the same time. Stargaze while on you're on the phone. Set your watches to go off at the same time every day, and synchronize your alarm with that of your partner. Make it a point to think of each other when your watch goes off, and revel in the fact that he or she is thinking about you, too. Find creative ways to bond.
5. Avoid the temptation to be controlling. People have free will and no one can or should control another person. As long as you are both interested in being in the relationship, you will stick with it and distance will not make a difference. As soon as one of you decides the other is not a good match - or someone else is a better match - your relationship ends, whether you live 3000 miles apart, two streets over, or share the same bed with your wedding picture on the wall. You are going to have to trust each other completely if this relationship is going to work.
6. Talk about your future together. Assuming that ultimately you'd want to live together, discussing how you're going to get to that point will help you prove to each other that the relationship is going somewhere and that your efforts and frustrations are not in vain.
7. Know when to say good-bye. While this is tough in any relationship, this can be especially hard over long distances. When communication becomes one-sided or sparse for too long and for no apparent reason, when arguments (yes, you'll have them) become too frequent, when the whole thing just seems like more trouble than it's worth, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. Either you'll decide to go your separate ways, or you'll get closer for having overcome another obstacle to your happiness together.
8. Remember things will get better with time, and even the relationship will become better. Have hope.

TIPS

• A long distance relationship is no different from a proximal relationship in that they both require a great deal of work, excellent communication, patience, sacrifice and understanding. But you will have to work extra hard to maintain the communication and to stay focused enough to not let your daily life interfere with your desire to be with the other person. Don't forget them or you can forget the relationship and it will all be over.
• One of the hardest parts of a long distance relationship is connecting when one person gets busier than the other. If this happens in a relationship it is important to maintain communication. If you are the busy person, try to warn your partner ahead of time that you will be working many hours and may have limited time. If you are the not-as-busy person, take advantage of the time by picking up a new hobby, getting in shape, reading a new book, etc. Flexibility is very important.
• It helps to have a solid time in the future for when the long distance part of the relationship will end, no matter the time length. Without it, the relationship can begin to mold into something that is always distant - even with great communication. With it, each person can see the point at which the distance will end and work harder to keep emotions readily available.
• When talking to your partner, take note of things they enjoy the most (hobbies, day-to-day activities, etc.), and do a little research on it so you have more to do when you see them next. For example: If your partner likes to dance, find the location of different clubs where you will see them next. If you don't know how to dance, take lessons and you will impress them by your willingness to make an effort on their behalf.
• Buy a game that you can play together over the internet, such as a MMORPG (massively multi-player online role playing game). You will be able to chat while playing and it will give a greater feeling of togetherness.
• Mail each other scented clothes.(Or even clothes smelling of your sweat - pheromones are a great way to establish intimate contact.)
• Send each other spontaneous ecards.
• Make a creative countdown and mail it to your partner to enjoy until you see each other next. For example, create a photo calendar, with something you add for each day to describe what you love about them.
• Do not set unreasonable expectations for your visit. Fantasizing about the visit is fine, but not out loud or by email to your partner. Instead, enjoy the excitement of the surprises to come.
• The Long Distance Relationship Guidebook is a well-balanced, practical book for couples in long distance relationships who need some guidance.
• Buy a webcam so you can chat face to face and see each other, so when you meet you will remember what they look like.
• Consider the fact that living far apart gives you both a chance to grow as individuals. Some couples break up to "find themselves", but in a long distance relationship you both have enough space to do your own things and still have a connection.

WARNING!!!

• Remember, every kind of relationship takes hard work and dedication to your loved one or partner, whether it's long distance or proximal. If you and your partner are willing to take these steps, then expect bumps and turns in the road. These bumps and turns will only help contribute towards a relationship.
• Long distance relationships are not for the faint of heart. They can be very trying - but so can proximal relationships.
• Long distance relationships can and will test you and your partner; you need to trust him/her entirely as paranoia can play a major part in the demise of your relationship. Also, these kinds of relationships can bring a lot of disappointment and heartache--depending on the time you spend away from each other it is VERY important that if you want this relationship to work you must make a great effort not to drift apart.
• Long distance relationships are difficult, as you are emotionally attached to a person you cannot touch or comfort (hug, kiss, hold hands), and this can hurt your heart and wreak havoc with your emotions. The only way to make these relationships work is if you and your partner honestly believe you will be able to survive without each other for a considerable amount of time without the need or desire to be with someone else.

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