Twelve Ways to Improve Your Marriage

Be honest.

Support one another's goals and achievements.

Respect each other.

Take time to share dreams and goals on a regular basis with your spouse.

Consider daily dialogue as a means of improving your communication.

Laugh together at least once a day.

Fight fair.

Be willing to forgive.

Remember kindness towards each other is a great gift.

Share your daily expectations.

Make decisions about finances, disciplining the children, chores, vacations, etc., together.

Take time to be alone together working on your intimacy. Schedule dates or romantic getaways.

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Why Are Some Relationships So Difficult?

Ever heard about how it's hard for someone to love you when you don't love yourself? It's a big relationship roadblock when one or both people struggle with self-esteem problems. Your girlfriend or boyfriend isn't there to make you feel good about yourself if you can't do that on your own. Focus on being happy with yourself, and don't take on the responsibility of worrying about someone else's happiness.

What if you feel that your girlfriend or boyfriend needs too much
from you? If the relationship feels like a burden or a drag instead of a joy, it might be time to think about whether it's a healthy match for you. Someone who's not happy or secure may have trouble being a healthy relationship partner.

Also, intense relationships can be hard for some teenagers. Some are so focused on their own developing feelings and responsibilities that they don't have the emotional energy it takes to respond to someone else's feelings and needs in a close relationship. Don't worry if you're just not ready yet. You will be, and you can take all the time you need.

Ever notice that some teen relationships don't last very long? It's no wonder — you're still growing and changing every day, and it can be tough to put two people together whose identities are both still in the process of forming. You two might seem perfect for each other at first, but that can change. If you try to hold on to the relationship anyway, there's a good chance it will turn sour. Better to part as friends than to stay in something that you've outgrown or that no longer feels right for one or both of you. And before you go looking for amour from that hottie from French class, respect your current beau by breaking things off before you make your move.

Relationships can be one of the best — and most challenging — parts of your world. They can be full of fun, romance, excitement, intense feelings, and occasional heartache, too. Whether you're single or in a relationship, remember that it's good to be choosy about who you get close to. If you're still waiting, take your time and get to know plenty of people.

Think about the qualities you value in a friendship and see how they match up with the ingredients of a healthy relationship. Work on developing those good qualities in yourself — they make you a lot more attractive to others. And if you're already part of a pair, make sure the relationship you're in brings out the best in both of you.

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What's an Unhealthy Relationship?

A relationship is unhealthy when it involves mean, disrespectful, controlling, or abusive behavior. Some people live in homes with parents who fight a lot or abuse each other — emotionally, verbally, or physically. For some people who have grown up around this kind of behavior it can almost seem normal or OK. It's not! Many of us learn from watching and imitating the people close to us. So someone who has lived around violent or disrespectful behavior may not have learned how to treat others with kindness and respect or how to expect the same treatment.

Qualities like kindness and respect are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship. Someone who doesn't yet have this part down may need to work on it with a trained therapist before he or she is ready for a relationship. Meanwhile, even though you might feel bad or feel for someone who's been mistreated, you need to take care of yourself — it's not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior of any kind.

Warning Signs

When a boyfriend or girlfriend uses verbal insults, mean language, nasty putdowns, gets physical by hitting or slapping, or forces someone into sexual activity, it's an important warning sign of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.

Ask yourself, does my boyfriend or girlfriend:

• get angry when I don't drop everything for him or her?
• criticize the way I look or dress, and say I'll never be able to find anyone else who would date me?
• keep me from seeing friends or from talking to any other guys or girls?
• want me to quit an activity, even though I love it?
• ever raise a hand when angry, like he or she is about to hit me?
• try to force me to go further sexually than I want to?

These aren't the only questions you can ask yourself. If you can think of any way in which your boyfriend or girlfriend is trying to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, isolate you from the rest of your world, or — this is a big one — harm you physically or sexually, then it's time to get out, fast. Let a trusted friend or family member know what's going on and make sure you're safe.

It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence, possessiveness, or anger as an expression of love. But even if you know that the person hurting you loves you, it is not healthy. No one deserves to be hit, shoved, or forced into anything he or she doesn't want to do.

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What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

Hopefully, you and your significant other are treating each other well. Not sure if that's the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of being swept off your feet and think about whether your relationship has these qualities:

• Mutual respect. Does he or she get how cool you are and why? (Watch out if the answer to the first part is yes but only because you're acting like someone you're not!) The key is that your BF or GF is into you for who you are — for your great sense of humor, your love of reality TV, etc. Does your partner listen when you say you're not comfortable doing something and then back off right away? Respect in a relationship means that each person values who the other is and understands — and would never challenge — the other person's boundaries.
• Trust. You're talking with a guy from French class and your boyfriend walks by. Does he completely lose his cool or keep walking because he knows you'd never cheat on him? It's OK to get a little jealous sometimes — jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when feeling jealous is what matters.
  There's no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.
• Honesty. This one goes hand-in-hand with trust because it's tough to trust someone when one of you isn't being honest. Have you ever caught your girlfriend in a major lie? Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends? The next time she says she has to work, you'll have a lot more trouble believing her and the trust will be on shaky ground.
• Support. It's not just in bad times that your partner should support you. Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart but can't take being there when things are going right (and vice versa). In a healthy relationship, your significant other is there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to celebrate with you when you get the lead in a play.
• Fairness/equality. You need to have give-and-take in your relationship, too. Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with your partner's friends as often as you hang out with yours? It's not like you have to keep a running count and make sure things are exactly even, of course. But you'll know if it isn't a pretty fair balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.
• Separate identities. In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn't mean you should feel like you're losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that shouldn't change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don't, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.
• Good communication. You've probably heard lots of stuff about how men and women don't seem to speak the same language. We all know how many different meanings the little phrase "no, nothing's wrong" can have, depending on who's saying it! But what's important is to ask if you're not sure what he or she means, and speak honestly and openly so that the miscommunication is avoided in the first place. Never keep a feeling bottled up because you're afraid it's not what your BF or GF wants to hear or because you worry about sounding silly. And if you need some time to think something through before you're ready to talk about it, the right person will give you some space to do that if you ask for it.

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Love, Life and Christian Marriage

by Paul Likoudis

In early June, Eternal Life of Bardstown, Ky., released
a 12-tape, comprehensive exposition,  Morality>, by Fr. John A. Hardon, S.J. Recorded live
before a group of  Catholic couples, the series
provides a thorough instruction on Church teaching on
love,  marriage, and the family.

Since their initial release, the tapes have received
high praise from both college and high school  teachers
who have used them in their classes, and from priests
who have utilized them in parish  family life programs.
The presentation is both candid and compassionate,
while unwaveringly  faithful to the magisterial
teaching of the Church.

While Fr. Hardon is addressing married couples in these
lectures, and discussing some intimate  matters
pertaining to difficulties spouses have, the
instruction is both sensitive and prudent, and 
suitable for adolescents—as well as for single people
of whatever age or state of life.

During Fr. Hardon's recent visit to Louisville, Ky.,
for the Church Teaches Forum, 
interviewed him to discuss the reason he produced these
tapes, as well as to ask his  views on various
difficulties and challenges that Catholic spouses face
in their married life as they  try to raise children
and remain faithful to the Church and to each other in
a neopagan culture.

The tapes, packaged in an attractive album, are
available from Eternal Life (P.O. Box 787, Bardstown,
KY  40004-0787) for $38.00 postpaid. Phone orders, with
billing to American Express, VISA, or MasterCard,  can
be placed by calling 1-800-842-2871.

Eternal Life has just published a new catalog with a
complete list of its booklets and pamphlets, books and 
tapes, which  readers are invited to
request:"

Also, Eternal Life has published two new question-and-
answer catechisms written by Fr. Hardon, a  on the Splendor of Truth> and a Gospel of Life>. Fr. Hardon  answers the common
questions Christians raise on pro-life and conscience
matters, with responses indexed  to the two recent
encyclicals written by Pope John Paul II.

 + + +

Q. You say in your tapes that the modern world and
modern people are obsessed with sex, and yet you  also
say that the sex drive is man's strongest drive and has
been from the beginning. What's  different or new about
contemporary attitudes about sex?

A. As the modern world understands sex, it does not
look at it as a moral issue. The sex  experience is
something people have a "right" to, according to their
own norms, and each  person's conscience is his own
guide to sexual pleasure. There is no objective moral
norm by  which people are bound. That's new.

Q. What are the consequences?

A. They are disastrous. For the individual, once sex is
looked upon as amoral, then any sex  experience may be
had—enjoyed—either by oneself, or with others, with
impunity.

The effect on the individual is to demoralize the
individual conscience. Once that occurs, then  there is
no other satisfaction that a person may want or desire
that he will not seek and try to  fulfill, short of the
civil authority which might try to inhibit him.

For those of the faith, the Sixth Commandment is the
key. Once the Sixth Commandment goes, so go all the 
others, including the Fifth, which is the lesson of our
times.

Without chastity, no human life is safe, either one's
own or another person's. In other words, there would be 
no abortion in the world today except for sex
indulgence. If sex is not moral, then human life is not
safe.  This runs much deeper than meets the eye.

The purpose of sexual pleasure is to inspire the
procreation of human life, the preservation of human
life,  and the support of human life. Once sexual
pleasure becomes independent of objective moral
standards,  then human life is not even assured of
coming into being.

Q. Can you explain more fully the link between the
Sixth and Fifth Commandments?

A. Let me tell how I became convinced of this link.
When I was a student in Rome, I had a language 
professor, a Jesuit priest, who was a prisoner in
Dachau for four and one-half years. He only survived
for so  long because he was a very skilled linguist,
and the Nazis used him. His main job was moving bodies
from  the gas chambers to the furnace.

This professor told us that on many nights, the
prisoners were so starved that they were unable to
sleep, and  so they would talk all night long. One of
the subjects they probed was what made the Nazis so
cruel.  For months, he said, they discussed what could
possibly make one human being SQ cruel to  another, and
finally they found the answer: Every single one of the
guards was a sex pervert;  there were no exceptions.

The relationship between chastity — whose foundation
is charity — and justice toward others, is  a
relationship of cause and effect. Every sexually
perverse society becomes a society of murderers.  There
is no doubt about it.

Q. What motivated you to produce these tapes? What is
their purpose?

A. There are three reasons. First, the preservation of
human life. Without the restoration of  chastity, our
nation will never stop the crime of abortion.

Second, we must alert all Christians, especially
Catholics, that it is only the practice of chastity 
which can preserve innocent human life. If we do not
restore chastity in this country, America  will destroy
itself.

Third, to bring out the fact that chastity begins in
the mind. Therefore, all talk about chastity is  just
so much verbiage unless we master our thoughts.

I have formulated what I call "The Iron Law of Human
Destiny." Sense leads to thought, that is: There can 
be no thought without sense experience. Thought leads
to desire; we desire with the will, and the mind tells 
us what to desire. Desire leads to action; every action
becomes a habit if we repeat it. Habit forms 
character, and character forms destiny. Therefore, I
must control what I see, touch, and feel.

This explains why the modern media's bombardment of the
senses is so pernicious; it leads us to the wrong 
thoughts, desires, actions, and habits.

Q. How would you sum up the message of these tapes?

A. Chastity requires the practice of charity, and the
practice of charity produces happiness. Everyone wants 
to be happy, but people are not being told today that
if you want to be happy, you have to "pay the price." 
Catholics are not being taught the truth about chastity
and charity, but rather are being taught untruth, even 
under Catholic auspices and in so-called Catholic
books, magazines, and newspapers.

Q. In counseling Catholic couples, what do you find are
the major problems Catholic spouses are  encountering?

A. The major problem is that Catholic couples who
really do want to keep their faith and live according
to  the precepts of the Church are not getting any
support. They are very alone.

Second, many Catholics do not realize how deep is the
ravage in our society. I would say that many  Catholics
are practical atheists, and they do not see the
Godlessness of modern society.

Third, most Catholics, even those who love the faith
and try to live it, do not realize that just to 
survive, couples must have access to extraordinary
grace through a life of prayer such as  Catholics have
not been required to practice since the Church was
founded. Catholic couples  must try to get to Mass and
Communion every day.

Fourth, our entire society in which strongly believing
Catholics are living is not just an alien culture, it
is positively hostile. Therefore, the courage required
to live according to the Gospel is  heroic, but courage
and the will are only as strong as the conviction of
the mind.

Q. You stress over and over again how important it is
for Catholics to have a "Catholic mentality." Isn't
that nearly an impossible task for most people because
of the bombardment of the  senses with anti-Catholic
messages?

A. Until Christ came into the world, there was no
chastity. In the Roman Empire, contraception  was
universal, abortion and infanticide were legal, divorce
was a given, polygamy was practiced  by pagans and
Jews. Since Christ, it is possible.

Consequently, if we are to restore a Catholic
mentality, and establish any semblance of chastity 
before marriage, during marriage, and outside of
marriage, we have to know and love Christ's  teaching
live it, and share it with others.

Q. In some of the lectures, you are surprisingly candid
about the mutual duties of husbands and  wives. Why?

A. Because there is a lot for spouses to learn. Over
the years, I've seen once-happy marriages  break down,
especially as couples get older. Either both grow in
selfless love, or their marriage is  in deep trouble.

The husband is an occasion for his wife to practice
charity toward him, and on the other hand, he  is often
an occasion for her to become angry, impatient, and
discouraged because he can put  pressure on her virtue.

The same applies to the wife. She can be very selfless,
but she can also put great pressure on his  patience.

Humanly speaking, it is impossible for Catholic spouses
to remain faithful to each other unless  there is
grace, which comes from prayer and sacrifice.

Q. What are the major problems you see among Catholic
spouses who have been married for  some time?

A. The greatest difficulty, for husbands, is remaining
chaste after the wife has children, and she's  no
longer interested in having relations—in "lowbrow
sex," as if sex were something bad.

Q. What do you advise?

A. Both need help. The husband must be patient with his
wife who is not providing him with the  affection he is
used to. He's thinking, "This is why I married her." He
has to realize he is in  competition with her for the
affection she is giving to the children.

The hard part for the husband is that he must show
extraordinary love for his wife, and extra love  means
he must be willing to pay for his love. True love is
willing to suffer for the one it loves.  True love is
willing to suffer from the one it loves.

The wife, whose deepest desire as a woman is to love,
to give herself, must learn to give and give and give. 
Even before marriage, a girl must learn to see herself
as a giver and a giver—so she is prepared to give 
herself to her husband.

The deepest need of a woman is to love, and the deepest
need of a man is to be loved. There is no substitute 
for man on this earth than to experience selfless love
toward him. A woman must know how to encourage  and
support her husband, to help him over discouragement,
worry, and anxiety.

Catholic spouses need to rediscover the practice of
selfless charity, and to do this we need to recover our 
Christian mentality. That is the purpose of these
lectures.

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Divorce

Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the ending of a marriage before the death of either spouse.

In cases involving children, governments have a clear interest in ensuring that disputes between parents do not spill over into the family courts. One way of doing this is through the encouragement of a parenting plan. Every state now requires parents to file a parenting plan when they legally separate or divorce.

Divorce can be contrasted with an annulment, which is a declaration that a marriage is void, though the effects of marriage may be recognized in such unions, such as spousal support or alimony, child custody, child support, and distribution of property.

Divorce laws vary considerably around the world. It is banned in Malta and in the Philippines, but an annulment is permitted.

In some jurisdictions, a divorce must be certified by a court of law, as a legal action is needed to dissolve the prior legal act of marriage. The terms of the divorce are also determined by the court, though they may take into account prenuptial agreements or postnuptial agreements, or simply ratify terms that the spouses have agreed on privately. Often, however, the spouses disagree about the terms of the divorce, which can lead to stressful and expensive litigation. Less adversarial approaches to divorce settlements have recently emerged, such as mediation and collaborative divorce, which negotiate mutually acceptable resolution to conflicts. In some other countries, like Portugal, when the spouses agree to divorce and to the terms of the divorce, it can be certified by a non judiciary administrative entity, where also can be served an Electronic Divorce since March 2008.

The subject of divorce as a social phenomenon is an important research topic in sociology. In many developed countries, divorce rates increased markedly during the twentieth century. Among the nations in which divorce has become commonplace are the United States, Canada, and members of the European Union. Japan retains a markedly lower divorce rate, though it has increased in recent years.

Types of Divorce

The approach to divorce varies by jurisdiction. There are two basic approaches to divorce: fault based and no-fault based.

Fault divorce can affect the distribution of property, and will allow an immediate divorce, in states where there is a waiting period required for no-fault divorce.

Residency requirements vary from state to state, and a couple may separate, one spouse may move to a state with divorce laws of their choice, establish residency, and then apply for divorce. However, this typically does not change the state in which property and other issues are decided.

No fault divorce

Under a no-fault divorce system the dissolution of a marriage does not require an allegation or proof of fault of either party to be shown. No-fault divorce has been in operation in Australia since 1975 and the only thing the applicant needs to show is separation (or "deemed separation") for 12 months, and the divorce application can be made by either party or by both parties jointly.

Forty-nine states of the United States have adopted unilateral no-fault divorce laws. Common reasons for no-fault divorce include incompatibility, irreconcilable differences, and irremediable breakdown of the marriage. No-fault divorce can be a unilateral divorce action forced upon the non-initiating spouse by the initiator with the support of the court system. The non-initiating spouse may be divorced against his or her will, though "not at fault".

In England a to obtain a no fault divorce the time scales are 2 years if both parties agree and 5 years if one party does not agree.

At-fault divorce

Fault divorces used to be the only way to break a marriage, and people who had differences, but did not qualify as "at fault", only had the option to separate (and were prevented from legally remarrying).

In the United States, New York is the only state that still requires fault for a divorce.

However there are ways (defenses) to prevent a fault divorce:

• Condonation
• Connivance
• Provocation
• Collusion

A defense is expensive, and not usually practical as eventually most divorces are granted.

Comparative rectitude is a doctrine used to determine which spouse is more at fault when both spouses are guilty of breaches.

Summary divorce

A summary (or simple) divorce, available in some jurisdictions, is used when spouses meet certain eligibility requirements, or can agree on key issues beforehand.

Key factors:

• Short marriage (under 5 years)
• No children (or, in some states, they have resolved custody and set child support payments)
• Minimal or no real property (no mortgage)
• Marital property is under a threshold (around $35,000 not including vehicles)
• Each spouse's personal property is under a threshold (typically the same as marital property)

Uncontested divorce

It is estimated that upwards of 95% of divorces in the US are "uncontested," because the two parties are able to come to an agreement (either with or without lawyers/mediators/collaborative counsel) about the property, children and support issues. When the parties can agree and present the court with a fair and equitable agreement, approval of the divorce is almost guaranteed. If the two parties cannot come to an agreement, they may ask the court to decide how to split property, deal with the custody of their children.

Collaborative divorce

Collaborative divorce is becoming a popular method for divorcing couples to come to agreement on divorce issues. In a collaborative divorce, the parties negotiate an agreed resolution with the assistance of attorneys who are trained in the collaborative divorce process and in mediation, and often with the assistance of a neutral financial specialist and/or divorce coach(es). The parties are empowered to make their own decisions based on their own needs and interests, but with complete information and full professional support. Once the collaborative divorce starts, the lawyers are disqualified from representing the parties in a contested legal proceeding, should the collaborative law process end prematurely. Most attorneys who practice collaborative divorce claim that it can be substantially less expensive than other divorce methods (regular divorce or mediation). However, should the parties not reach any agreements, any documents or information exchanged during the collaborative process cannot later be used in further legal proceedings, as the collabrative process is confidential proceedings. Furthermore, there are no set enforceable timelines for completion of a divorce using collabrative divorce.

Mediated divorce

Divorce mediation is an alternative to traditional divorce litigation. [1] In a divorce mediation session, a mediator facilitates the discussion between the husband and wife by assisting with communication and providing information and suggestions to help resolve differences. At the end of the mediation process, the separating parties have typically developed a tailored divorce agreement that can be submitted to the court. Mediation sessions can include the party's attorneys or a neutral attorney or an attorney-mediator who can inform both parties of their legal rights, but does not provide advice to either, or can be conducted without attorneys. Divorce mediators may be attorneys who have experience in divorce cases. Divorce mediation can be significantly less expensive than litigation. [2]. The adherence rate to mediated agreements is much higher than that of adherence to court orders.

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The Kissing Cure

By Lois B. Morris

When in the throes of an allergy attack or a skin rash, it may help to pucker up. A Japanese study suggests that kissing reduces allergic responses. Among the 48 subjects, half suffered from eczema (a form of atopic dermatitis), and half had hay fever. All the volunteers kissed their lover or spouse for 30 minutes while listening to romantic music. Two weeks later, they listened to the same music and embraced their partner without kissing. Blood tests revealed that after the kissing phase only, the participants experienced a significant decrease in their levels of immunoglobulin E (IGE), an antibody that the immune system produces in response to allergens, thereby eliciting an allergic reaction. Allergist Hajime Kimata of Satou Hospital in Osaka also triggered skin rashes in people allergic to dust mites or latex and determined that after kissing, their IGE levels dropped significantly as well. Relaxation and stress relief from kissing may bring about this immune response, Kimata says.

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